Firstly, this has probably been the longest I have ever actually stuck to any habit that is supposedly good for me, so I guess I should feel some kind of smug pride at that – but oddly enough, I don’t.
Here’s what has happened in the last month: Nothing.
Like, literally fucking nothing. I have become a boring shell of my former fun self and have ceased almost all social contact, preferring to take extra shifts at work, tidy my room, go for walks, make future home decor vision boards (yes really, kill me please), revisit my seven year plan, and study for a paper that I’m not even taking until summer school next year. I have had zero sex. Fuck my life.
My brother had his gang around to watch the rugby the other weekend and I ended up watching it with them all – it was a giant fun-fest of drinking and happiness and I couldn’t be more internally pissed off that I couldn’t partake of the ale. It was an excruciating 80 minutes of inner struggle and hatred as I watched them all get progressively drunker and more excitable. I clammed up and kept my eyes fixed upon the screen, awkwardly only speaking when specifically asked a question, probably leading people to think I had acquired some sort of PTSD and had come home to be put out to pasture, rather than being here to study. Someone very kindly passed 1 x marijuana my way at some point, which mercifully got me through the second half.
I haven’t given up drugs, by the way. They are just far more expensive and crappy here so I assumed they weren’t going to be anywhere near as much of a problem for me as alcohol. I also vowed not to buy any more weed, in future only allowing myself a social hoot of whatever is proffered at any given time.
I feel like such a martyr.
On the health front, I had a constant headache for almost two weeks, combined with some hot flushes and shakes, but I’m told that will happen when you’re giving your favourite things up cold turkey. After that shit cleared off though, I felt … well … not much different, to be honest. My body had gotten pretty used to functioning hungover so I had kind of stopped getting perceivable hangovers altogether sometime in the mid 00s. My skin seems a little clearer, and I lost around 10kg this past month – which is good, because I am a fat bumbling idiot and I’d like to be just a bumbling idiot without the fat. I hope that continues and I also hope that I develop some sort of transfer addiction to exercise or something else that will make me thin (unlikely though, because fuck you genetics and Murphy’s Law).
My mind has been a whole bunch of dildoes. Being sober means that my mind is now racing constantly with all of the lame things that I usually managed to obliterate with drinking, so I’m forcibly reminded constantly of all the little things I can’t stand about myself and how I am still messed up over stupid stuff that happened ages ago, and how anxious I am about going back to uni this semester as an old-as-fuck 31 year old who may or may not be able to keep up with her peers intellectually, especially because I have to re-learn three years of forgotten high school maths in a couple of months just to be able to pass a maths paper…. and other such worrying thoughts. My concentration/focus and attention span are both highly impaired (or were possibly never that good to begin with, although I don’t remember all the way back that far). But such is life and literally everyone has a whole lot of crap to deal with at all times so I’m no worse off than anybody else, to be fair.
If it weren’t for the weight loss, I’d be solely unimpressed with this whole bullshit sobriety thing. I’m bored and I’m boring and I definitely wouldn’t want to be my friend right now. Thankfully the majority of my mates are all in the North Island and Australia, because it’d be pretty boring for them to have to hang out with me in this state. I really hate it when people adopt some sort of new regime and wax lyrical about how it changed them and how they are much better people now, so I’m not going to lie to you guys. Sobriety sucks and it should only ever be done as a last resort when you have a giant drinking problem. Don’t ever do this shit by choice or because you think it will make you some sort of better, cleaner, person. Just don’t. Drink literally everything you can get your hands on and pillage your lithe little livers – and then have another one for me. I wish I was you.
Love, Chelle xoxoxoxo