Disclaimer: This is a post where I winyarn on about feelings – it was just a writing exercise for me to re-arrange my thoughts (writing does this so easily for me!), but I figured I’d post it because in hindsight it may contain some sage advice for others.
I was driving home from work today having a huge cry about my ex-boyfriend (y’know, the one that dumped me ALMOST A GODDAMN YEAR AGO) and I started wondering what the actual fuck is wrong with me. How come I haven’t been able to process the feelings of abandonment and (insert bulk psychobabble terms here), even though we have rolled back around to the same season the relationship ended in?
Am I still upset because I miss *him*? Or am I just emotionally fucked up because of the way he abruptly dumped me and cut me out of his life henceforth? Is it both? I’ve had a fella since, but even then I freaked out and couldn’t deal with the constant fear that he would, for whatever unexplained reason, decide that I wasn’t worth it and dump me also – so I got in there first. Clearly I’m not ready to have another relationship yet.
So, I did what I’ve always done when I feel that insatiable need for control; I wrote a list of all the things that are within my control and all the things that are outside of my control.
On the surface, that clears everything up about as much as Helen Keller at a lolly scramble (pause for a second to wickedly cackle at that image).
But it’s the most important list I’ll ever make and it needs to remain at the forefront of my mind if I ever want to kill this alarming lack of self-worth and trust in others.
When you’re a closet control freak like I am, acknowledging that I don’t have any control over so much stuff is a sobering thought, but it means that I can turn my back on everything external and control the shit out of myself. I could spend the rest of my life being hurt and sad and wondering why he left me, and the whole time he would be off enjoying his life and forgetting I even existed. We’re an absurd species – so often we will sit in a space of absolute pain and misery, and for what? Is there some part of us that expects on some level that whomever broke our heart will one day come back and apologise for their actions? Because they won’t!
We only get one life, and that’s a huge waste of it.
There’s a reason the word “closure” gets bandied around a lot – without it, you can sit in a limbo for months or years, just hoping that something will magically happen to help you make sense of your loss. Well, fuck that shit. It’s time to adopt a steel helmet mentality! I will never get this so-called “closure”, nor will I ever even get a reason for being cast aside. So I’ve vowed to turn my attention away from external factors (my ex and the break-up) and focus absolutely everything inwards. When you’re consciously turning away from something outside of your control, you surprisingly have a lot of energy to expend on other things that *are* within your control – things like self-improvement, hobbies, etc. It’s no coincidence that when women are upset they do drastic things to their hair! My hair got worked over so hard this year that if a guy ran his fingers through it, he’d be left wondering whether he had just plunged his hand into a sharps bin.
So from hereon out, I’m in it for myself. I only have one life and I’m not spending it getting all fucked up over other people’s actions.
Everything’s gonna come up Chellehouse!!