……. Adulting?

Recently I started freaking out that maybe I was missing out on some vital parts of being a capable adult, and I initiated a mission to find out what those were so that I could feel like I was “doing it right” and whatnot.
I purchased for myself a book entitled “Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps” by Kelly Williams Brown. 15791144

This book left me confused because I am either all over it (Step 256: Don’t put tacos in your purse), or am never going to be all over it (Step 140: Make your social media presence as bland as possible). I decided that I would write about what I personally do as a bare minimum to being an adult, which is pretty much how I skate by, a.k.a. fooling people into thinking that you are more “together” than you actually are.

  • Keep your house looking tidy and clean. Note the keyword here, “looking”. If your shit is all put away nicely and you have done the dishes and wiped the counters, then congratulations – people will assume you are a clean and tidy motherfucker.
  • Do laundry at least once a week. When you are bumming around home, just wear the same maxi dress/pyjama pants all the time so that less of your shit needs to be washed all the time.
  • Learn how to make one dish that is kind of impressive. If you’re smart you can get away with something that involves more food prep than actual cooking, because fuck watching an oven all day when you could be getting slowly toasted while listening to Sugababes and Spice Girls. My go-to is Thai beef salad, it’s light, easy and pretty much only involves lots of vege chopping and 3 mins of steak cooking.

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    It was also the meatiest “salad” I could find.

  • If you’re a female and want to appear “well-groomed”, find 2 go-to shades of lipstick – one for everyday/work wear and one for going out. Get a nice pair of sunglasses that match everything and don’t look like they came from Kuta. Brush your hair daily. Congratulations, you are now polished as fuck. Enjoy your afternoon at Matisse.

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    I’ll see you there!

  • If you’re a dude, STOP WEARING FUCKING SNEANS (running shoes with jeans). No elaboration on this is necessary and if you don’t understand why, then welcome to a lifetime of never getting laid and not understanding why.

    sneans.jpg

    Vaginas become glaciers when accosted by sneans.

  • Do your best to stay out of debt, and if you are in debt, do your best to get out of there quickly. Ideally the only debts you want to be dealing with are the unavoidable ones like a student loan or mortgage. Being in debt is literally just you throwing a third of your money down the drain because “interest rates”.
  • Stop using your parents as an ATM, you are now an adult and should not be relying on them for a damn thing. In fact, you should now be in a situation where you can do a little something for them. Pay for the meal next time you go out. It’s a small gesture but it really cements that relationship as a mature one where you are no longer a child that needs managing.
  • Try to have some savings – even if it’s only like $10 a week, after a year this can come in handy for small emergencies like busted car tyres or dental issues.
  • Stop gossiping and bitching about friends. What sort of a shit cunt are you? Think about this seriously. You only get one life, don’t be a judgmental person that expects other people to live their lives according to your set of values/expectations. Just live and let live and if you are constantly bitching about friends, then take a long hard look at your inner happiness (or lack thereof) in the mirror.
  • Keep a folder full of nice greeting cards for all sorts of occasions, so that if you want to make someone’s day a little bit nicer , or have an unexpected event to attend, you have something good up your sleeve. I’ve been hoarding cards for years and I love giving them to people.

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    This design gets a lot of mileage.

  • Get a diary! Not like a diary where you write about wishing your tits would grow or your first period would happen, but one of those “daily planner” diaries. I recommend 1 page per day. Even if you don’t have much of a “schedule” to keep, this serves as an awesome “to-do” list and social planner. Diaries help you not be that shit flaky friend that “never remembers” social occasions.
  • Stop flaking or “forgetting” social events. People go to a lot of effort to host parties and whatnot, and if you RSVP “maybe” when you have been given heaps of notice or just don’t show up, or bail with “sickness” an hour beforehand then this is just rude. Also, your excuse is definitely obvious and thinly-veiled and the host knows this. You ain’t foolin’ nobody! If you know you won’t go, just say no from the get-go! Simple. This is something that I’ve really had to work on myself – I’m a terrible flaker.
  • Disregard all the above. Your life = your rules. As if I have the right to tell anybody else how to be a successful adult!!

Love, Chelle – who is really not much of an adult at all!

 

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