Socially Terrible Yet Probably Quite Effective Parenting Tips From Someone That Hasn’t Got Any Kids.

1. If your child doesn’t want to go to bed, instead of telling them that it’s bedtime and they have to go to bed “because I said so”, why not give them a full explanation of why they need to go to bed? Explain calmly and scientifically how the human body works and how it needs sleep to function. Not only will they respond to being spoken to like a real person, but you’ll probably bore the little fucker to sleep at the same time. Win/Win.

Billions and billions of sleep.

Billions and billions of sleep.

2. If your child can’t stop wetting the bed, cut some MDMA into their night-time milk. Not only will they love you soooooo much, they won’t be able to piss for hours, due to the fact that MDMA releases anti-diuretic hormone! Side effects may include request for Barney night light to be replaced with a strobe. Everybody’s happy, though.

Other side effects may include bush doofing and meth-induced "spirituality" at said doof.

Other side effects may include bush doofing and meth-induced “spirituality” at said doof.

3. Tantrums in public can be solved with a barking collar, thought you may want to hide it under a scarf so that nobody glares at your “tough love” approach to parenting.

Happy as Larry.

Happy as Larry.

4. If your child is concerned about monsters under the bed, I would suggest that you make some hollow papier mache monsters and place them under the bed, so that you can encourage your child to beat the piss out of them, and then whenever they check under their bed, all they will see from then on are some pathetic mangled pieces of shit, that they laid the old 1-2 on back in the day. This will boost their confidence no end.

5. If your child won’t eat their dinner, don’t make them. A hungry child will eventually eat whatever you give it, and the odd skipped meal is nothing in comparison to the agonising hours of trying to force-feed a child that probably isn’t hungry. I’m sure they don’t expend that much energy sitting in a carseat or a pram all day, so it won’t kill them to miss a few dinners. Let the child listen to their bodies and eat when they are hungry – or let them graze at a bowl of food when they feel like it, like a cat.

Like so.

6. If you don’t want your child eating McDonald’s or getting sucked into the marketing traps that McDonald’s set for children, show them Stephen King’s It and explain that Ronald McDonald is actually Pennywise The Clown. Let them know that if they eat McDonald’s more than X(insert your preference here) times per year, Ronald McDonald, a.k.a. Pennywise, will come out of their Happy Meal and drag them down into the drains forevermore.

Imagine Tim Curry in your Happy Meal.

Imagine Tim Curry in your Happy Meal.

7. If your child is having trouble with bullies at school and the usual resolution avenues are providing no results, give them a fiddy of weed to plant in said bully’s desk, and tell them to complain to a teacher that the bully tried to sell them drugs. That oughta get the little jerk expelled.

Welp! Good luck with your parenting, I hope my surefire tips will help many a frazzled parent out there in this fast-paced 90s world.

Love, Chelle xoxoxoxooxoxox


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