“Cheap ‘n’ Lazy” Is My Middle Name.

Here are some tips on how you can be as stress-free as me!!!

– If you live in an upstairs apartment and will have to move frequently (this one’s going out to the renters!!), try to stick to really light and easy-to-carry furniture such as leather ottoman cubes. That way you aren’t dicking around with heavy/annoying chairs with huge backs when you move. Save the clusterfuck furniture for when you own your own home!

– Avoid buying appliances and furniture brand new, especially if you’re renting. Buying everything brand new is just wasteful (both environmentally and financially) when there is so much floating around on Gumtree and eBay that is near-new for a pittance. Our microwave was like $10 and our blender was $15, and both work perfectly.

– Check your mobile phone/internet provider’s advertised plans frequently. Within a few months the plan that you are on has probably become “grandfathered” (meaning it is no longer offered to new customers), and there could be a cheaper plan that suits your needs much better. When I worked at iiNet I would always check people’s plans against their usage and consequently helped heaps of people save money. Also don’t be afraid to ask your provider (nicely) for credit for downtime or whatever. At iiNet I used to hand out free months to nice customers like I was facilitating a goddamn lolly scramble.

– If you want to learn an instrument, choose ukulele over guitar because they are a fraction of the price. This is an especially good thing if you have kids, because ukulele is much easier to play than guitar (meaning they are less likely to quit out of frustration) and if it was “just a phase” then you will only have wasted about $50 on the ukulele and you can also say “I told you so, you little dipshit”.

– When you’re out somewhere that you can have a table, drink wine by the bottle – it’s so much cheaper than buying singular drinks, plus you’ll look super classy. Better yet, get drunk before you even go out, like in the olden days of KC’s, The Bowler and The Outback. Or you can sneak booze into your event like a boss.

– Want a cheap dining table? Buy a budget desk from Ikea! This is probably the only thing (apart from our mattress) that we didn’t buy second-hand for our apartment, because it was so damn cheap to buy brand-new and we wanted to eat food on a map of the world because we are cultured motherfuckers up in hea.

Also feat. aforementioned ottoman cubes (a steal from Gumtree for $15 apiece thankyouverymuch) !

“World Map” desk feat. aforementioned ottoman cubes (a steal from Gumtree for $15 apiece thankyouverymuch) !

The world map glass tabletop (you can’t see the map in the picture but rest assured it’s there) was a mere $19 (which was incredible seeing as you would pay more than that just for a laminated poster of a world map of the same size) and the trestles were $25 each. So what we got was an easy-to-disassemble and funky dining table/desk for $69.

– Guys, if you only want to get laid then I suggest you stay in for the night, hire an escort for half an hour, and save your money. A half hour escort booking will probably only set you back around $150, and you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness of the one-night-stand, nor the insecurities of an annoyingly drunk girl who gives you a sub-standard pity beej in return for all the Vodka Cruisers you bought her in the dark club where she thought you were better-looking. $150 would be less than the cost of your taxis, cover charges and drinks all night (especially if you’re gambling on buying drinks for a woman hoping she will be your sexual conquest for the night), so really you’re better off going with a professional.

– Want to have bright art on your walls? Forget buying a mass-produced turdscape from Thingz Living with random gold flecks throughout the paint (what’s that shit about?) – just do it yourself! You don’t even have to be good at art, just throw darts at balloons full of paint on a canvas. No, really.

Seriously. Fill balloons with paint , tie them to the top of a canvas with drawing pins, than throw darts at the balloons. It gets messy but being clean is for rich people amirite?

Seriously. Fill balloons with paint , tie them to the top of a canvas with drawing pins, then throw darts at the balloons. It gets messy but being clean is for rich people, amirite?

– Figure out whether you’re a morning or night person and work that to your advantage. Don’t try to be productive late at night if you’re a morning person, just get up earlier if you need extra time. Don’t try and work out at 6am if you’re a night owl because then you will always bail and feel shit about it. All those “studies” that tell you that if you “don’t work out first thing in the morning then your workout is worthless” can go fuck themselves. I say that you should work out whenever feels best for you, because movement is supposed to be fun, not a goddamn chore! Seriously though, the best time to work out is the time that works best for you – a workout every night at 9pm is better than four missed 6am sessions a week. Don’t make life harder for yourself. Ignore those magazine articles that say otherwise, they are just written by the Rand Corporation (under the supervision of the reverse vampires), in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner.

– If you buy the same magazine every month, then get yourself a subscription. Not only does it save you a shit-tonne of money, you will feel like you’re getting a free magazine every month, because you paid for it so long ago. Also if you time it right, you can get some really good “subscription offer gifts” at the time of buying a subscription. Magazines are dying due to the bright star that is the internet, and due to this they desperately want to sell subscriptions for physical, tangible magazines. If you’re eco-friendly you can get a subscription for your e-Reader even cheaper, but confused elderly people with eternally cold knees like myself still buy actual magazines. Subscriptions for other people are awesome presents as well because it’s cheap as fuck but is truly the gift that keeps on giving, every month.

– If you are planning on taking multiple drugs in one evening, do some research first. Don’t mix drugs that cancel each other out, that’s a giant waste of your money. I’m sure everyone’s been in that weird place at 3am wondering what happened to that anticipated MDMA euphoria whilst twirling the crackie for three hours. Except me, because I would never take drugs.

Alcohol only for me!

Alcohol only for me!

– If you can’t decide how to arrange your books, try grouping them according to the colours of their spines, it makes for a rather aesthetically pleasing display.

Imagine my excitement when my newest book (Karl Pilkington's Moaning of Life) had a yellow spine! Helped balance things out a bit!

Imagine my excitement when my newest book (Karl Pilkington’s Moaning of Life) had a yellow spine! Helped balance things out a bit! And don’t even try to bum out Magic The Gathering because fuck you.

– I make it a point to periodically declutter shit so that it isn’t going to end up as a big mountain of “too hard” when it’s time to move. Stay on top of all your crap and you will feel like a million bucks, I promise. The less stuff you have, the less energy you will expend tidying and cleaning it.

– If you’re planning to travel, be flexible with your dates in order to score cheaper flights – the cheapest days to fly are usually Tuesdays and Wednesdays. If you’re not flying at a super-busy time, the best time to book is around 2-3 months prior to leaving, as this is when airlines start to manage fares actively. If you’re looking at flights, clear your cache and cookies or browse using separate incognito windows, because when you are looking at flights, airlines use your cookies to track the earlier fares and searches, and they keep increasing the prices each time you search to try and trick you into booking at a higher cost. No, I’m not kidding. Also, if you are travelling in Australia using Jetstar, then you can use the Japanese Expedia site to slash your airfares (I’ve tried this myself and it actually works). Or, y’know, you can just fly with TigerAir.

– On another travelling note, ditch the checked baggage. Not only can it save you money on your ticket, but it feels amazing to sail through into customs ahead of all those other jerks at the baggage claim! You also won’t have to deal with luggage getting lost, ever. Really *think* about what you actually need to take on holiday and arrange your handbag and carry-on to get everything in. Is the place you are going full of cheap clothes? Pack light, buy clothes to wear when you are there, then ditch the excess threads before you leave (I’m looking at YOU Bali/Thailand). You can wear your bulkiest shoes and clothing on the plane if things get desperate.

– If you have lots of sunglasses and don’t know how to store them, get sunglasses racks (like stores have) from eBay for like $5 each.

It also means you never have to go through a million glasses cases trying to find the pair that you wanna wear!

It also means you never have to go through a million glasses cases trying to find the pair that you wanna wear!

So there you go, a few of my cheapest and laziest (but best) pieces of advice.
Love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxox

 

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