Good evening, groovy chaps!!
I thought it was high time I did a wee A-Z breakdown, and today’s topic was proudly brought to you by Bundaberg Rum; BOGANS! I should mention that much of this A-Z applies also to me, and possibly some of you readers. I firmly believe that there is an inner bogan in all of us. Never fear; embrace your inner bogan like an old playground chum! Shall we, then?
A is for AirAsia (aka AirBogan). Cheap flights to Bali and Thailand were the reason that bogans across the globe originally embraced the internet, for where else can you buy stacks of pirated DVDs of dubious quality!?
B is for Bathurst. Whilst not exclusive to bogans, if there were a Venn Diagram on the subject, there would be no circle with bogans who didn’t love Bathurst. It’s a great way for bogan women to pretend they like cars and try to score themselves a man who drives trucks in the mines. Their MO is simple: pick one side (Ford/Holden), complain loudly if they lose and go on about it forever if they win – they don’t even need to know or care about cars!
C is for Conventions and Exhibitions, especially Sexpo. Bogans love a good convention and anywhere else that you can possibly get a showbag and a major bargain. They love to mill around in crowds looking at the same boring stalls for hours, and the convention gets bonus points if they can bring their kids and let them run around pissing people off.
D is for Driving Trucks in the Mines – it’s the bogan version of becoming a doctor or a lawyer.
E is for Energy Drinks. Bogans LOVE “Monster”, “V” and anything else that has at some point sponsored some sort of motorbike/Crusty Demons tour
F is for Fifty Shades of Grey. The bogan woman loves Fifty Shades as it is on her reading level and makes her feel like she is some sort of secret sex wolf, which often couldn’t be further from the truth.
G is for Gangnam Style, and any other chart-topping “overnight success”. Bogans love to listen to the radio because they get to hear the same thing all day – repetition is a key part of the bogan’s psyche.
H is for is for “Hot Schoolgirl” dress up parties. Not only are “hot schoolgirls” kind of morally wrong when you think about it, but they are also extremely 90s. I have noticed that the bogan women who come in to buy hot schoolgirl costumes are almost always nearing 40 and are obviously trying to reclaim their youth for one night.
I is for iPhone Cases, particularly if they were obtained for free at a convention. Bogan women enjoy cases that feature many diamantes, whilst the men enjoy hot rod flames and liquor logos on theirs.
J is for Jim Beam – bogans LOVE to proudly assert that they “only drink Jim Beam”, because it makes them seem like some kind of suave James Bond character, having a “special signature drink”.
K is for Kids. TOO MANY.
L is for Louis Vuitton (fake). Bogans love showing their class by having many fake labels, especially Louis Vuitton handbags which they obtained in Bali or Thailand, or even the Salvos down the road, claiming that they “scored a genuine Louis Vuitton bag at a vintage shop!”
M is for Milton – the bogan capital of New Zealand, where the most common birth names every year are Shane, Donna, Sharon, Shona, Steve and Darren. M is also for Mercedes Corby, Schapelle’s sister (see “S”).
N is for Networking (social) – Facebook has seen the rise of the modern bogan, who loves to play “farmville” and other Facebook games which require sending game requests to everybody they have added, including the random high school acquaintances that have only accepted their friend request politely. Bogans also love to “share” pages with political agendas like “Fuck You Cunt You Fucking Fuck Don’t Come Near My Man”.
O is for Overseas Cosmetic Surgery – Getting cosmetic surgery is part and parcel of the bogan woman’s obsession with looking like the FHM girls. To the bogan, the only thing of beauty is an orange, underweight blonde girl with large jugs who lies about her age and gives stupid interview answers such as ‘I love watching cricket with the boys and making them sandwiches at half time!”. Cheap Thailand surgery is the quick fix for this!!
P is for Playboy Bunny, which features on many many bogans car seat covers, wallets, necklaces, car windows, underpants and tattoos.
Q is for Queensland, the bogans Mecca. I hear there is a “Wailing Wall” where they go to cry when a Home and Away character dies.
R is for Retail Therapy – because bogans are materialistic, believing that the more money they spend the happier they will be, shopping is a favourite pastime of the bogan. A crowded shopping centre is heaven to a bogan and she will happily take her family there every week to slowly amble through the mall, five abreast so regular people can’t get past. This goes hand in hand with bogans’ lack of common sense and courtesy.
S is for Schapelle Corby, the “promising young beauty student” from Queensland who got thrown in Bali’s Kerobokan Prison after a bunch of pot was found in her bodyboard bag. Bogans love to speculate over Schapelle’s innocence/guilt, and the women’s magazines are sure to feature Schapelle and her sister Mercedes regularly to drive up sales in Queensland.
T is for The Biggest Loser, which is a favourite of the bogan (particularly the fat bogan) as they believe everything they see on TV and really think that it is possible to lose 14kg in one week, as shown on The Biggest Loser. The contestants on the show are usually mostly of bogan persuasion also, and the bogans enjoy seeing themselves being represented in media.
U is for Utility companies – arguments with. It was foretold that the bogan would be bad with money, and due to their spending sprees on Playboy Bunny merchandise, they are usually late paying their electricity/internet/phone bills. For this reason, their services often get suspended and so angry phone calls to the various providers ensue. The saddest thing is that the bogan refuses to accept responsibility for their fiscal organisational shortcomings and thus call centre operators lives are ruined by these awful bogans.
V is for Vin Diesel – all bogan women want him, all bogan men want to be him. Enough said.
W is for Wii Fit – the bogan’s modern-day “Jane Fonda”. Bogans LOVE to assume that standing around on a box in front of the TV and imitating regular movement is the key to an healthy lifestyle, yet complain endlessly when they don’t see results. This is one of the great bogan mysteries of all time.
X is for XXX and any other movie starring Vin Diesel – they must be heavy on the explosions and catchphrases, which are to be recounted repetitively over Jim Beams in the “man cave” later.
Y is for #YOLO, and any other awful abbreviation found on Facebook. Whilst we are on the topic, I firmly believe that “Planking” is also owed a mention, for bogans everywhere find it hilarious to lie face down on stuff, and put their kids in the same positions to take photos. Intelligent people realise that planking is lame as shit, but the bogan still doesn’t know that. Shhhh.
Z is for Zoo magazine – Zoo is the bogans bible! Hot chicks, photos of girlfriends’ tits sent in by readers and funny misogynist jokes! MY FAVE!!!!
Embrace your inner bogan like there is no tomorrow! Or reject it completely 🙂
Love, Chelle xoxooxoxoxoxooxox