How Not To Be A Jerk In A Store (From Both Sides Of The Till)

Howdy partners!
Retail store etiquette is something that I rant about to myself far too much – so I thought, why not share the joy of complaint with the readers?! It’s been far too long since I did some ranting and raving, and although it makes me seem like an ill-mannered bogan, it’s a guilty pleasure that everyone else secretly loves as well. Therefore, enjoy!

HOW NOT TO BE A JERK WHEN YOU ARE A STORE EMPLOYEE

1. It is imperative that you refrain from being a surly cunt from the get-go. Sour employees are quite stupid because they have not yet made the connection between their behaviour and the customers’ behaviour – by being surly, you transform a reasonable customer into an irate one. TRUE STORY. You should especially not be an asshat to the customers that are legitimately nice to you, because then they will start getting disillusioned with all salespeople and thus you ruin it for the rest of us. It’s really stupid when you are a jerk all day, and then whine on Facebook that you had shit customers – when it was most likely your attitude that made them shit in the first place, you sack.

2. At all times, refrain from “pouncing” on people the minute they walk into the store. You should certainly acknowledge their presence, but do it in a non-threatening manner – a friendly smile and a greeting from wherever you are already standing is best. Let the person get their bearings before you actually advance on them, and don’t make them feel as though you are about to throw a poke ball at them. Wait until they seem to be looking at something specific and then offer some information/advice about it whilst being receptive to their vibe and body language. You’ll soon know if they actually want you to be there or not, and the only time you should hover annoyingly is if you think they will steal something.

"HELLO SIR MAY I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING TODAY!!??"

“HELLO SIR MAY I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING TODAY!!??”

3. Never make assumptions about customers or their reasons for being in your store. I popped into Supre once to grab a last-minute scarf, and was told by one of the pre-pubescent salesgirls that I “wouldn’t fit anything in the store”. Aside from the fact that I already owned a number of “loose-fit” Supre singlets that I wore as fitted singlets, I was THERE FOR A SCARF and I’m pretty sure my neck isn’t as plus-sized as the rest of my body. I’m not stupid; I know what I can and cannot fit and I don’t need a rude salesperson insinuating that I’m too retarded to make that distinction for myself.  How did she know I wasn’t there to shop for accessories, or clothes for a smaller friend or relative? Just let me shop in peace while you fuck back off to the staff room to take more duck-face selfies. If I need you to smugly tell me that society doesn’t approve of my body, I’ll be sure to come and find you, thanks.

You must save fashion from people like me!!

You must save fashion from people like me!!

4. If you say you will do something for a customer, then ACTUALLY DO IT. Or at least make a note of it somewhere. There’s nothing that incites me more than having a lengthy conversation with a salesperson in regards to a product that needs to be ordered in, only to come in four days later to be told that nobody knows what I’m on about because that salesperson did nothing and made no note of it for other staff to follow up – and having to go through the same shit with someone else all over again. Just do your fucking job and ensure that you do what you have promised the customer you will do. I’m not your student loan, I won’t “just go away” if you do nothing.

HOW NOT TO BE A JERK WHEN YOU ARE A CUSTOMER

1. Never act like an entitled dick. The customer is NOT “always right”, this is just a thing that baby boomers assume because back in their day, it’s how things were. Do not EVER smugly utter the line “I pay your wages” to retail staff. You do not pay my wages; my employer does. You don’t even “indirectly” pay my wages unless you spend tens of thousands of dollars every week in my store, which you don’t. In my experience, the customers that say things like this spend about $100 a year in the store. That doesn’t even cover 3 hours of my time on a Sunday, so go fuck yourself. Obviously I realise that without lots of regular customers I wouldn’t have a retail job, however if you act all entitled and expect me to kiss your ass because you are brandishing a $50 note around as if we are going to go into liquidation without it, then you are sorely mistaken and need to find something else to boost your ego, because you aren’t going to get it when dealing with me.

Possibly the only use I'll ever have for Ryan Gosling in my life.

Possibly the only use I’ll ever have for Ryan Gosling in my life.

2. It seems ridiculous that this is even something that people would do, but it would be FUCKING FANTASTIC if people could stop opening product boxes, particularly when there are signs all over the place asking you not to, and I am readily available to do it for you. ESPECIALLY if this pertains to things like sex toys, where hygiene is an issue. Assholes are always just opening boxes willy-nilly instead of asking first, without giving any consideration to the fact that we have to try and sell the item after the box has been so badly ripped and fumbled that it resembles Dwayne Johnson’s acting career.

This role should have gone to Brendan Fraser.

This role should have gone to Brendan Fraser.

3. Try to desist the excessive whining about prices, particularly the prices in comparison to other places. I remember a guy would come into a bar I worked at and complain that jugs of beer were 10 cents cheaper at the pub a few blocks down. Not even kidding. One day I just got so annoyed with him that I said in a faux-joking tone that he should just go there if it meant that much to him, to which he said that he couldn’t as they didn’t have a TAB. WHY DO YOU THINK OUR PRICES ARE HIGHER IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU FUCK? IT’S SO WE CAN HAVE A TAB AND OTHER NICE THINGS TO OFFER THE CUSTOMERS. DUHHHH. I hated that dude so much. Also, don’t whine about prices in a store that very obviously focuses on selling good quality products. Sexpo was invented for cheap fucks like you; go and get your $20 jelly dildo there and enjoy the yeast infection you get with it. Also could you people please understand this; I am just a salesperson. The prices of our stock were determined long before I started working here, and were determined by people far higher up the food chain than I, therefore complaining to me about prices will not make them magically change in your favour. Stop that, you’re just embarrassing yourself.

4. Following on from the last; don’t ask for a cash discount/special price/free gift unless you actually spend a reasonable amount, like $300 or more. I don’t understand how someone can complain about prices to me for half an hour, grudgingly spend $40 whilst acting like it’s a huge deal, and then ask for a discount – all while keeping a straight face. WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE COME FROM!?

This is you, spending $40. You jerk.

This is you, spending $40. You jerk.

5. Don’t turn up with your gaggle of cunts girlfriends if none of you actually have any reason to be there. Eight immature girls crowded around a dildo giggling, screaming and carrying on like a couple of gay dudes on coke at a Liza Minnelli concert are the worst thing ever. When this happens in a sex store, it immediately makes the legit customers in there feel really self-conscious. For a lot of people, coming into a sex store is a very nerve-wracking and personal thing to do, and having to hear a bunch of idiots laughing at all the merchandise and acting like it is for “freaks” is going to make it even worse for them. You people are jerks and should be ashamed of yourselves.

Pass the coke please.

Pass the coke please.

6. If the store is closed and there is a clock on the door clearly displaying what time it will re-open, kindly don’t stand out the front, call the store and then pretend that you didn’t see the very large sign saying that the store is closed for a 10 minute break. DEFINITELY do not expect the staff member to interrupt their lunch break to open the store for you to dick around browsing. I did this once because the person insisted that it was really important that they come in, and then never even bought anything, therefore never again will I sacrifice my break for a customer that refuses to wait 10 minutes until we re-open. On a similar note, if the store closes at 6pm, don’t arrive at 6.08pm and then pound persistently on the door until the very annoyed staff member has to come over to shut you up. Although I am still on the premises, this is because I have to count the till and do all that end of day paperwork crap. Arguing “oh but you’re still here” is not going to make me re-open the computer system just for you. Keep in mind that staff generally don’t get paid after the closing time, so why would I want to spend my unpaid personal time waiting on you because you couldn’t manage your time correctly in order to arrive during the previous 8 hours that we were actually open for business? Fuck you.

OK; rant over. Have a lovely end of your week guys!

Love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxox

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9 thoughts on “How Not To Be A Jerk In A Store (From Both Sides Of The Till)

  1. It’s like you’re living my life! I am ashamed, but my job is to just stand my the door and pounce on customers the second they come in. Even if they tell me they don’t want my help, I am supposed to help them, because the Store Manager clearly doesn’t understand people AT ALL.

    • Its so bad when managers expect it; however I find that as long as my sales averages/figures are up to scratch, then managers let me do my own thing. I find that customers are certainly more prone to trusting my advice when I’m honest with them and help them with what they actually need, rather than what is more expensive. I once talked a customer down from a $200 vibe to a $150 one, but then they realised that I had their best interests at heart and then bought a bunch of other stuff as well to make it like a $500 sale. I find that being a decent human being gets you very far in life 🙂

  2. bahaha if I really pounced on some people, I feel they would be more likely to buy something. Particularly old men. I could ride around on their back and suggest different printers.

  3. Customer walks in…
    Me: Hi there, how are you? ( as I go about my thing in the shop)
    Customer: IM FINE JUST LOOKING OKAY!!!!!
    Me: settle petal, im allowed to say hi in my own shop…..(fuck me drunk)
    Customer then proceeds to walk the loooong way around the counter so they look like they are imitating a sewer rat sneaking up a drain.
    Love my job.

  4. Firstly, I’m laughing so hard at that line about Liza Minelli I nearly gave myself an aneurism. Secondly, I used to work in retail and AMEN SISTA! I’d move heaven and earth to help the nice people, but the nasty ones could fuck themselves with a rusty razorblade.

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