I decided to have a browse of Yahoo’s open questions, to see what kinds of things people use the internet for in their lives. As you can see below, I was so blown away by the thoughtful and conscientious nature of mankind that I decided to step in and help my fellow man out with those big life questions.
1. Your fish did suffer because you killed it with cloves and vodka, don’t you know you’re supposed to add sarsaparilla? Fool.
2. The drop off at the ocean is where you ask someone with a car to give you a lift to the beach, and thus you obtain a drop off at the ocean.
3. What is this I don’t even. Are you wishing to complain about the colour or the fruit?
4. “EXPLAIN THIS”. How about a “please” ?
5. Me, please.
6. Nobody has any crushy feeling about you. Sorry.
7. I don’t know about all girls, but I certainly don’t secretly want to sleep with my brother, because he isn’t my type, and also he’s my brother. But perhaps your sister would appreciate if you maybe didn’t think this about her?
8. This is an exquisite jacket and I think you would do yourself a vast disservice were you not to purchase it at the princely sum of 1 Euro.
9. All you have to do is light a candle, look into the mirror and say “Bloody Lucifer” 3 times on the full moon.
10. Would they understand what you meant if you sent them an empty evalope? Sure, I guess.
11. It’s very inappropriate for you to tell someone that they have a sticker on the sole of their shoe, you pervert.
12. Spiritually speaking, yes. Yes it is.
13. It’s only okay to wear spandex shorts 3 times per year. You know this, stop wasting my time please.
15. You and me both, buddy.
16. No I didn’t, but I like how you are using the process of elimination to get to the bottom of this.
17. Prepare for severe illness because that Kit Kat expired on 82F0341B, which was three months ago, dude.
18. As a professional sex paraphernalia retailer, I believe I can shed some light on this. You won’t orgasm that way, but you may bruise.
19. The PRETTY GIRL FROM THE RING MOVIE. Oh good, because she is exactly who I would like to hire Freddy Krueger to assassinate, so thanks for clarifying that. PS If you are going to pimp out a killer, then maybe do him the courtesy of spelling his name right.
20. No it’s not okay at all. You play the accordion so you may only listen to The Pogues, and heaven forbid I see you at a metal gig cos I’ll fuck you up, you poser!
21. As I understand it, throwing sandwiches at authority has become the norm these days, but if a pie is all you have on hand, then I think that this would be appropriate given the circumstances.
22. They might not invite you out bowling ever again.
23. It is either a fishing rod or a makeshift bong
24. For ten whole Yahoo points, I’ll personally come over and siphon it out.
25. Ray Bans are not for the Vietnamese, the Vietnamese people are much more suited to BluBlockers, everybody knows that.
26. It means you bought your mother a broke ass statue that started pissing on her, that’s what it means.
If anybody else has any tough life questions that they would like my advice on, please feel free to email me – I’m always available to help!
Love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox