Cosmopolitan? More like, SHITmopolitan. Part III

Hi all! Well, I only have a couple of days before that Jesus guy is supposed to be back so I’d better make this quick.

You pretty much know my stance on magazines aimed at women (Cosmopolitan in particular!) and that I can often get a little, shall we say, “up in arms” about much of the content. Well I have done a little research beyond my usual ranting at impractical/dangerous sex tips, and I have compiled data. Actual data! See for yourself:

It took me ages to compile this, so you'd better enjoy it.

It took me ages to do all this, so you’d better enjoy it.

I took the April issue of Cosmopolitan and tallied up the number of pages containing specific things. The pie chart is factual; only 32 percent of that entire magazine actually contains content. 88 pages out of 272. So when you think you are paying for a large, glossy, exciting “Bible for women”, you’re really just getting something similar to ‘That’s Life’ magazine, with neither the astounding real life stories (“A 20 cent coin nearly KILLED my son”), nor the fantastic puzzles and prize giveaways. So what did Cosmopolitan spend the rest of their 184 pages on? Well, 30 pages went towards large full-page article headers or full page pictures to accompany “articles”, and then the other 154 were dedicated to advertising, marketing and fear-mongering. But it’s all up there in the pie chart, see for yourself! (Please do refer back to it, I’m really proud of my pie graph).

I get it Cosmo, I do. You need advertising to be able to afford to run your magazine. Obviously your writers deserve top remuneration when they are coming up with such consistently ground-breaking headlines each month, such as “Can You Really Flip A Player? Guys Set Us Straight!” and “How Normal Is Your Orgasm?” In which they provide a “readers poll” where readers helpfully describe which degrading animal noises they make in bed. 42% of Cosmopolitan readers believe that they sound “shrill but cute, like a guinea pig squealing”. FYI Shitmopolitan: you are making women look like stupid fucks.

And because they just need to point out again how dumb we are, the team at Cosmopolitan have decided that what we really need more than anything this month, is a big old interview with the Kardashian sisters. Where they try to convince us that these people are actually important somehow, or that they have done anything at all of note apart from flogging diet products and whingeing about being called fat on reality TV all the time. Luckily though, my disappointment at the Kardashian interview was quickly eliminated with some amazing sex tips, no doubt brought to us by those magnificent, original and thoughtful writers:

Don't tell Chris, but tonight I'm going to lie in wait in the bathroom, and then "use the back of a brush to swat at his things when he steps out of the shower". SAUCY!

Don’t tell Chris, but tonight I’m going to lie in wait in the bathroom, and then “use the back of a brush to swat at his things when he steps out of the shower”. BAD-GIRLS UNITE!

“Order him to paint your toenails while you wear a miniskirt with no undies – the view will drive him wild.” So this could go one of two ways; Either he is just staring at my vag (which is something that makes me decidedly uncomfortable anyway), whilst getting nail polish all over the floor/bed/chair/my feet, which will be very hard to clean up. Or, he is really enjoying painting my toenails and paying great attention to detail. Neither of these scenarios ends up in sex for me. What if he does the former, and we get nail polish all over everything? That’s just impractical, Cosmo. You’re a dick.

I also need to talk about this ridiculous intro to an article;

Motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre.

Motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre.

What the fucking fuck!? Is what I wanted to say about that.

Then there are a bunch of really awkward “sexy text” suggestions for you to send your guy/gal to get them in the mood.

Aurgh I can't even.

Aurgh I can’t even.

I don’t know about you guys, but if someone sent me “come on, let’s do it, ride it, my pony, you know we’re not going horseriding, right?” I would wonder if I had stepped into a ridiculous Ellen Page “awkward hipster” movie. And, “I just watched Magic Mike. Get over here.” That is the same as your partner saying “I just watched a bunch of porn because you don’t really do it for me, but now that I have a boner I will fuck anything that moves so you’d best get over here and satisfy me.” Gross.

Another thing that Cosmo is really into, is affronting people with accusations regarding their expenditures.

WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL A THING, SHITMOPOLITAN??

WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL A THING, SHITMOPOLITAN??

I have to say, most of the stuff that Cosmo is so offended by our reluctance to purchase, is over $300. For a plain black tote bag. Why haven’t I bought these yet? Because I would prefer to spend my money on a stick covered in faeces and crushed velvet, that’s why. Guys, we live in a world where this shit is socially and universally accepted by the majority of women as “The Bible”. Let’s try to change this ASAP please.

Drive safe this weekend anyway because it’s double demerits,

Love, Chelle xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

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10 thoughts on “Cosmopolitan? More like, SHITmopolitan. Part III

  1. Australian Cosmo is WAY worse than the American version, is what I learned today. The sex tips are so much more graphic but also equally more horrible. At least the American version is only ever telling you to do girl on top.
    Also?
    BOOTY CALL INCOMING!

      • It really does seem that way. I think a lot of disservice is done to women by rebranding the way arsehole men treat women as a form of female liberation. Two dumbfuck, humanity depreciating wrongs don’t make a right.

  2. Hi Chelle. Long time reader first time commenting. I’ve always felt that ‘magic mike/50 shades’ was such a double standard. It was not ok to treat the lady folk like meat but now it appears fine for the ladies to do it to us manly types. She might aswell just say ‘can I cover your face with a pillow slip’ fight the power. PS I’m still refusing to rejoin Facebook.

  3. Ye gads. I’ve laughed up vital organs again. I’m not sure I want my fella staring romantically into my vag either. Aus Cosmo is on something potent smelling and ‘erbal, methinks.

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