Go Home, Dirty Old Men.

Before I begin, I need to preface this post by saying that I really, really love my job. 99% of the customers are wonderful people, who trust us enough to share their sexual issues with us so that we can help them. They are kind, courteous and grateful for the non-judgemental way we treat them and their preferences, and its really rewarding to genuinely help people, and hear customers thank us and say that they were very nervous about coming in but are leaving relaxed and happy. This job is a very unique kind of retail – it’s personal and involves intimate discussions about sexual health, relationship issues and secret fetishes. I love the customers that are genuine, and I honestly couldn’t imagine working anywhere else! HOWEVER …. there are some people that I unfortunately come across, and will proceed to rant about henceforth.

I cringe at many of the men that I serve, in fact I could go so far as to say that through doing this job I have come to really hate a lot of men.

But that’s not fair, and its a huge generalisation.

However I can’t help but be angry with so many of the men I encounter, and it always seems to be the older generations. A lot of older men come in and don’t want to buy quality toys for their wife. They ask to see the cheapest dongs and then get annoyed when they are priced between $40 – $200. When they ask why we don’t sell anything cheaper, I tell them that we don’t sell the cheap nasty dongs, that we only sell good quality safe ones and that they might want to go to one of the dodgy independent sex shops with the wanking rooms if they are after something of low quality. That usually gets rid of them, a bit of snobbery goes a long way (Please note that if someone is courteous and genuinely has a low budget, I’m very nice to them and try to help them find a good solution. It’s just the jerks that are really rude to us about prices that I get haughty with!).

They have specific listening tastes too.

They have specific listening tastes too.

Whereas the young guys come in (sometimes with their girlfriends) and ask sensible questions and are quite health-conscious, preferring to buy good quality toys (not necessarily super expensive ones, but at least ones that are body-safe) and antibacterial vibe cleaner for their partners. Then there are the older guys who don’t care about their partners hygiene or well-being, and won’t even splash out the bank-breaking sum of $27 on a vibe cleaner, instead saying “she can use Dettol”. Really? You would rather your wife damage her body with alcohol based stuff than spend $27 twice a year? What a catch you are.

It incites me when old guys come in with their partners and say crude things to, or about, their partner in front of me. Once I asked, “Would you like a bag to put that (vibrator) in?” To which he nudged his wife and loudly exclaimed, “no, I’ve got one here” and wheezed with laughter. She looked so embarrassed and I just wanted to punch him in the face.

That's when you need to have teeth in your vagina. Then you can show him what a bag can do!

That’s when you need to have teeth in your vagina.

If a man is legitimately trying to choose between two toys for his partner and asks me, as a female, what I would prefer or recommend, it is a genuine thing and I am happy to give a recommendation. When a man is seeding around the DVDs and asks me about “what I’m into”, it makes my blood boil. Hello, I’m a real person and that’s beyond inappropriate, how dare you treat me like public property that you can ask intimate questions to? As if I would want to tell you about my sex life so that you can go home and jerk off about it, you disgusting fuck. Why do older men assume that just because I work in an adult store, that I am some sort of object that they can be lewd to? This is not a strip club where you can leer at young women, it is a retail store. Go and get your dick bitten off in a glory hole, you pervert.

Mr. Miyagi loved to "wax that shit".

Mr. Miyagi loved to “wax that shit”.

Then there are the ones who slink into the store in the creepiest way ever, look at DVDs for an eternity and then leave with their hands in their pockets. They come in the front door, and covertly follow the wall all the way around, taking the long way to the DVDs and pretending that they are looking at stuff on the way, but really they are just hotfooting it to the porn. Dude, I can fucking see you, do you think that you are being a ninja or something? This store is only 4m wide and there is nobody else here. Nothing gets past old Chelle. It’s creepy that you try to stealth it around the back way to the DVDs instead of just walking directly to them. That’s so goddamn slimy. Also, spending more than 45 minutes every Thursday looking through our tiny selection of DVDs without buying anything is just gross. Yes, I recognise you and I know that you come in here every week to fill up your spank bank. I don’t really care what you want to do with your spare time but seeing as how I’m not allowed to relax or chill out when customers are in the store, I get really annoyed when dirty old men come in and look at the DVDs for 2 hours without buying anything. Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be busy in an already sparkling clean store for 2 hours while you leisurely jiggle yourself through your trouser pockets? Also, just get your free porn fix on the internet like regular people. Then you don’t have to strain to touch yourself through your pockets in public.

"Excuse me, love, do you have any DVDs with 18 year old girls in them?"

“Excuse me, love, do you have any DVDs with 18 year old girls in them?”

Finally, why do so many of them feel like they have the right to comment on a women’s appearance, as if we are public property?? (Admittedly this is not just confined to my job, it happens all the time in various public situations, but still.)

“You should lose weight so men will like you” says the creepy old man buying a blow up doll. Yeah sure, because I really want to look like the kind of girl that turns you and these other “men” on. P.S. You’re taking home a blow up doll and I’m going home to my awesome respectful boyfriend that thinks I’m beautiful and loves me to bits. Who wins? I do, you urine-stained scumbag.

“Why would you get all those tattoos? Ladies shouldn’t have tattoos, you won’t get a husband” says the man who later returns to the counter with a copy of “Cum On My Tattoo 3” (as if I would have forgotten his earlier lecture?!). Oh right, I forgot, as women it is our duty to be ladies in public and whores in the bedroom. Here is my professional opinion: Go fuck yourself.

I don’t know how some of these people would ever get partners at all, no way would I be with ANY man that thought it was okay to comment on a stranger’s appearance like that.

P.S. I wasn't kidding, it's a real thing.

P.S. I wasn’t kidding, it’s a real thing.

I have to say that many young women wouldn’t be able to do this job and stand up to these types of men – I wouldn’t have been able to handle some of the insults about my appearance a few years ago! It sure is a good thing that I now have a butt-tonne of self respect and self esteem, because it gives me the confidence to say exactly what I want back to them without feeling nervous or inferior, as I would have in the past. It saddens me to think that women are raised in a way to accept older men insulting them and so forth, due to the idea of younger women having to show respect to older men that is so subtly ingrained in so many females growing up. It’s also really awesome that my manager doesn’t adopt that “customer is always right” bullshit, and knowing that I’m able to spit venom if I ever get given any undue shit in my job makes it easy to deal with the few jack-offs that I encounter!

Love, Chelle xoxoxoxooxox

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6 thoughts on “Go Home, Dirty Old Men.

  1. I get dirty old men that make comments like that, and I work in an office supply store. Fortunately, I AM the manager, so I get the job of telling them to fuck off when they say something inappropriate to one of my cashiers. It’s always older men with their wives too. I really don’t understand.

    • Oh that sucks that you get it too 😦
      Yeah love giving them the heave-ho and seeing the look of outraged incredulity on their stupid entitled faces when they realise that they are being told what to do by a young woman ahahahah.

  2. How about the revolting man that will bring back some poor filipino wife who cannot understand english. You watch the poor woman stand there while he chooses a revolting hard plastic item, you try and help, “nah nah nah I got it love”……love? You fucking revolting piece of shit. SO I start showing the poor woman other things and then she points to what she wants, ….”nah love this’ll do”. Behold, the cheapest piece of shit in the shop, hard plastic. Oh man you ARE a keeper, that poor woman is SO lucky to have such a catch like you. Arggh those poor women with our revolting older men. Yes Chelle, some men are just revolting but we cannot tar all with the same brush!

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