New Years Resolutions That Everyone Should Have All The Time

1. Make a deal with yourself immediately never to use a Glory Hole. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to place their dick in a hole without knowing who is on the other end. What if it gets bitten off? I have never understood the lasting craze that is the Glory Hole.

2. Commit to things, or don’t commit to them. If someone invites you to an event, say yes or no and stick to it. A “maybe” (unless you are legitimately on call for work or something) smacks of “I’m actually holding out for a better offer and you are a last option”. This is really rude and it also makes people scared to host events, because “what if the 40 people that RSVPd are actually not going to come and I spend the evening weeping alone into the table of hors d’oeuvres specifically catered to a number of 40 people”.

3. Try to limit time spent in front of a screen, be it the computer (work excluded), the TV or video games. If you can’t live without your regular fix of TV, try cancelling your Sky/Foxtel subscription and using some of the money saved to boost your internet download allowance, and get your shows online, so that you can watch them without having to deal with advertising/marketing, or getting sucked into watching other shows that you didn’t really intend on watching in the first place. With this extra time up our sleeves we could use it for spending more time cooking decent food, or pursuing creative endeavours, reading, or seeing more friends face to face. I know I always feel unmotivated and slack when I spend ages consuming media.

4. Try not to have too much stuff. Stuff requires you to spend time and energy cleaning, organising and tidying it, and stuff also attracts dust and dirt. Do you really need all the junk that you have and never use? Donating or giving it away is a great way to recycle as there are plenty of things that are useless to one person but so wonderful for another. I recently put up an album of free things that I was giving away and they were all snapped up almost immediately. Either I have excellent taste/style (I don’t), or people just like different things at different stages of their lives, making it relevant to pass things onto others when they cease to make you happy.

5. Put at least one thing that you find interesting or beautiful on a wall where you will see it often. Whether you believe it or not, we are visual beings and seeing something that makes us happy actually gives us a wee lift each time we see it! It can also motivate you to address issues in your life. Don’t just stick photos on the front your fridge where you barely see them, make it the centre of your living room wall, or the first wall you look at when you wake up.

6. Be kind to other people and to yourself, I can’t stress this enough. Smile and the world smiles with you, and all of that… from personal experience I can tell everyone that this is a true theory, and it costs absolutely no time or money to do. If you are constantly miserable and pessimistic (sorry, “realistic”), then you are only going to receive misery back into your life, and that isn’t a place you want to be setting up camp for any period of time. If you have depression and have been miserable for a long period of time, perhaps this is the year to acknowledge that whatever method of treatment you have been using isn’t the right one. Explore different therapies, depression is too common a thing to allow ourselves to live in that rut for such long periods of time.

7. Every time a flash flood of some new issue/event is poured all over social media, use your own judgement before just copy/pasting statuses everywhere. Do your research, work out what the fuss is all about and then have your own opinion of it and ask yourself if you really want to jump on the bandwagon, and if so what your reasons for the sudden jump are. I’m thinking Kony 2012 type stuff here guys.

8. Eat whatever the goddamn hell you want. Stop assigning good/bad points to foods, it is JUST FOOD and all this constant diet talk is boring!!!!! If policing your nutrition is your thing, by all means do it but try not to let it rule your life, or your conversations! Your body is amazing, it is the greatest tool you will ever own (heard that from the Wear Sunscreen song I think!) and maybe it is time for you to ease up on it, because trying to look like certain celebrities is such a waste of your individual time and talents. Enjoy the wonderful person that you are!!

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