Some Really Unusual Adult Toys That I Have Encountered

I need to state a disclaimer right away – this post is going to feature some of the things that I come across a lot through my job, and they are R18 products. If you are under 18, or extremely prudish, you should not read this post. If you read this post and then try to whinge that I am inappropriate etc, then you are a jerk. Many thanks.

Out in the great world of new technologies, there are tonnes of awesome sex toys for everybody to get amongst. Then, some stuff gets manufactured that can only be described as “what the hell!?” Of course there are people that use these products, and in no way do I aim to judge on that. I just have to share some of the more unusual things that I have sold thus far.

1. Doc Johnson’s The Fist Of Adonis.

One could gussy it up with some nail polish and a Pandora bracelet if one wanted to.

I don’t care whose fist it is, it’s not coming near me!!!! This toy (which can only be described nicely as somebody’s beloved prosthetic limb) stands at around 15 inches tall and has an 11 inch circumference at the widest part. Having cradled The Fist Of Adonis in my own arms, I would guess its weight to be around 3 kilograms. So, not only is it best to lack nerve endings wherever you plan on inserting it, you probably also have to be quite strong to handle this fellow.

2. Fetish Fantasy’s Shock Therapy Cock Cage.

Impress the girls at school with your electric eel!

This ultimately sounds like one of those “bedroom tips for blowing his mind” that Cosmopolitan magazine so helpfully feeds you each month. It’s a cuff that the discerning gentleman places over his “old fella” before lying back to receive some calming and zen electric shocks straight to the knob. Of course this is the duck’s nuts if you’re into electric shockery, however it still frightens me senseless and I don’t even HAVE a dick.

3. The Hannah Harper Authentic Love Doll.

“Alright Mr. Demille, I’m ready for my close-up.”

Hannah Harper is a well-known porn star, and this is a “realistic” love doll of her. Most love dolls bewilder me for the sheer fact that they look like creepy ventriloquist dummies in hooker makeup, but this one really takes the cock cake.

4. Speaking of love dolls, here is the Guido Love Doll.

I honestly think “Jersey Whore” would have been the wittier name for this product.

He promises to be ‘mad sexy, yo!’ with his ‘big beefy sausage’… Here’s “The Situation”: I still cannot work out if this doll’s target demographic is men or women.

5. Cock Cologne.

Zero Tolerance … is what people will have for your dick.

This is just wrong. If you think you need cologne down there, what you really need is either a shower, or a doctor. Guys – don’t spray shit on your tackle unless its some sort of performance/lasting/enhancing desensitiser. NO COLOGNE.

6. Metal Worx Steel Cock Ring.

It’s like an iron maiden for your junk.

For those of you that don’t know what a cock ring is, it is a small ring that one places around the base of his junk to keep bloodflow all up in his bidniz so that he doesn’t lose wood during sex, and also so it is difficult for him to shower the vicinity with excitement. The aim of a cock ring is to be stretchy, but tight enough to actually do its job. The key word here is s-t-r-e-t-c-h-y. METAL DOESN’T STRETCH. You figure it out.

7. “Pirates” Branded Vibrators.

Plundering booty has never been so glamorous.

I’m sorry, but anything that has a Jolly Roger on the shaft and a clit-stimulator shaped like an old pirate ship cannon and sword is just hilarious. Ladies, please take the high road and don’t put anything like this in or around your own treasure chest.

8. LELO’s Inez.

I expect you would use the tears of Tibetan monks as lubricant.

On the opposite end of the tacky spectrum lies LELO’s Inez, the most exclusive vibrator ever made. It retails for a cool $15 000. For your trouble, you receive a 24-Karat gold plated vibrator with a whopping five (5!) pre-programmed stimulation modes. I just don’t know what I would do with 5 whole different settings, I don’t think I am ready for that kind of pleasure. I might just pay off my student loan instead.

9. Area 51 Love Doll.

So who’s probing who now?

With 3 “out of this world love holes”! The third hole is in the side of her head – true story. If only I could be a man for a day, because all I want to do in life is sink my member into the side of an alien’s head.

10. While we are discussing aliens, here is The Alien, by Fleshlight.

For when you’ve got the blues….

If you don’t know what a Fleshlight is, I suggest you go and Wikipedia it real quick. This particular Fleshlight resembles an Avatar’s ladybits, as can be seen in the picture. I can only assume that you must mount it and join yourself to it using the ends of your hair, to ensure that it likes you. Then, and only then, can you proceed in consummating your relationship. I like how the site suggests that you use it while watching the Avatar porn – sounds like a pretty good night in, if you ask me!

11. Belladonna’s Batter Up.

This is actually 39 cm long. 39 CENTIMETRES.

Well! In all my years of softball (1), there was never anything quite like this! Belladonna is a porn star who is known for her ability to fit large things into herself. This toy kind of irks me because there is no contour designed for women – it looks like some misogynist fuck designed it with some brutal “lesbian show” in mind. (Think Requiem For A Dream’s “ass to ass” scene). Otherwise, it is still pretty hilarious. Batter Up’s sold by me to date: 0.

12. Hello Kitty Vibrator.

Masturbating with Hello Kitty = kawaii desu!

Since when did Hello Kitty go from cute notepads to sex toys? Since Japan got all tentacle-porn and pillow-girlfriends on us, that’s when. Actually no, this was marketed as a “neck massager” … because everyone knows how nice it is to massage one’s neck with a phallic Hello-Kitty head shaped vibrator, amirite guys?

So you see guys, different strokes for different folks!

Love, Chelle xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox


2 thoughts on “Some Really Unusual Adult Toys That I Have Encountered

  1. My favorite is the “Jersey Whore.” I refuse to call it anything else. Also, I had a really dumb moment where I went, “Why is there a rooster on that bottle of cock cologne?” All I could think of was Foghorn Leghorn.

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