We have been robbed!
OK so this title is a bit melodramatic, I’ve been looking at pictures of robots, you see. So really, our Earth did not stand still at all, our lives continued as per usual. We actually did get robbed though, so join me as I hunt for clues and sleuth my way to solving the mystery, making the Chief of Police in this small town appear hapless and inept.
Let us consider our immediate findings. The obvious thing to note is that the robber was selective. In a room that housed a large Sony Bravia TV, 2 acoustic/electric guitars, one bass guitar, one electronic drumkit, 1 electronic piano, 1 laptop, 2 Playstation 3s, a SonyVita, hundreds of games and a large T-Rex poster, all they took was the older Playstation 3 with less storage space (?), the laptop with charger, and a Sony Vita. The games that were in front of the TV were also split into two neat piles and placed on the couch – no games were missing. Why was this? What could their motive have been? I will now attempt to solve the who, why, when and how of this brutal, heinous crime.
My extensive research has led me to believe that this particular room did not have a working lock, which solves the How. We had planned to get locks inserted for it when we first moved in, and these locks gradually fell by the wayside in order for money to be spent on newer and more exciting things, such as that chocolate stuff that you put on your ice-cream, turning it to a hard chocolatey shell. Consequently, the chocolate tasted wonderful. Initially, we had used the room only for chilling out, but as the sun and moon lazily chased each other across the sky, more and more stuff got moved out there and was never brought back inside. Our arrogance and laziness has had the last laugh, as we now mourn Nicks beloved Playstation and Vita, and Chris’ dearly departed Dell. We have two gates to get around the back of the house, so it would have been only too easy for the thief to slip through the gate, or if they were only a few centimetres thin, they could have actually slipped between the bars of the back gate so as not to make any telling “gate-ish” noises.
When could this have occured? Anytime between the hours of 11pm and 5.30am last night. Nick confidently recalls going to bed around 11pm, and Chris wakes up at 5.30am. None of us heard anything, however as we all know, thieving is really an activity that is done with the least amount of noise possible, unless the thief is drunk. So the thief had a good 6 hours in which to do their evil bidding, though Nick did mention that he went to the toilet at some stage of the night.
Why, then? Why would someone tiptoe through the night into our studio, only to walk away with a poorly thought-out selection of items? The items they took were questionable. Even Nick admits that he barely uses his Sony Vita, and I myself had no idea what one was until he told me this morning. The Playstation 3s were right next to each other, however the one taken was older, bulkier and of less storage space (80GB). If the thief knew to take a Vita, then certainly they would be able to discern which Playstation would have been better to take? Furthermore, the newer 250GB Playstation is slimmer and lighter, and therefore more portable. Perhaps the thief really wanted to have a Playstation 3, but did not want to inconvenience us too much? Taking the laptop does make sense however, and the thief also took the charger, showing that they had foresight enough to try to get the complete package, making it easy to use in future, or sell. This evidence of clear thought, along with the quiet nature of the theft, leads me to believe that the thief was not under the influence of any substance.
Now the stacked games is yet another curiosity. I believe that the thief was trying to group the games into desirable/valuable and undesirable/worthless. Looking at the titles in each pile however, I cannot distinguish which pile is which. Perchance the thief had OCD and could only steal certain items, and would always leave stacked items in their stead, as somewhat of a “calling card”?
I believe that in regards to the “who”, we are looking for only one thief. Why? Because there are no lights in that studio, they must have been carrying a torch. They took only one armful of items – a laptop, a Playstation and a Vita (very small, like a PSP). The other arm was for their torch. Due to the careful theft of the laptop charger and the skilful silence, we are also looking for a thief that was probably not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol, so this was likely a premeditated crime. Could it be that one of our close friends has been surveilling our possessions all this time? Take Jim “Shifty Jim” Catelli for example. The name “Shifty Jim” refers of course, to the fact that he is always kind enough to help his friends shift houses, by taking the furniture in his large car. But is it a double entendre? Moreover, Jim Catelli was at our house last night, before the crime. Perhaps his friendly visit was all a clever ruse to stake out our joint. How about Peter “The Pockets” Draiden? He ALWAYS wears clothes with pockets, and has made no secret that he believes more pockets are better. Is this for “pocketing” things on the side? We haven’t seen Peter in awhile – could it be that he has been planning this robbery in secret all this time?
Here is what I believe went down last night.
11.00pm: Nick goes to bed (Chris and I are already all aboard the Tuck-In Express)
TIME UNKNOWN: A thin lone bandit stealthily slips through the bars of the back gate. He deftly navigates our crooked path to the studio. Pausing, listening softly to the sounds of the night, he gently opens the sliding door inch by inch so as not to make any noise. Once inside, he clicks on his torch and scans our studio for treasures. His eyes light up underneath his K-mart yellow striped balaclava (which is all they had in stock) as he surveys both the Playstations, eagerly unhooking the older one. ‘For I must only take what I really need’, he thinks to himself as he wistfully eyes the newer Playstation. Seeing the Vita, he is taken with its small, lightweight appearance (‘surely they won’t notice this gone’) and slips it silently into a pocket. He has gotten what he came for, a Playstation – now he must leave. He notices a few Playstation games and hopes desperately that Uncharted 2 is in there, as he has heard good things about this game. It isn’t, however he does stack the games neatly into two piles according to his own personal tastes. As he is about to leave, he notices a laptop on the desk. Remembering how much his elderly mother has been wanting a computer to look up her knitting patterns, he reluctantly takes the laptop and charger, guiltily convincing himself that the people who live there are probably insured. He already feels a bit bad about pocketing the Vita. A sudden noise jerks his guilty conscience to a halt – it is the inside toilet flushing, and he switches off his torch. Waiting in the dark, his heart pounding noisily, he listens intensively until all noises have ceased and he can be sure that it is safe to leave. ‘If I get caught, I’ll lose my job at the sweatshop and I won’t be able to buy young Bobby’s asthma medicine’ , he worriedly realises. He doesn’t like to steal, but its the only way. Money is tight and he has a sick mother and a sick younger brother to provide for, leaving no money for his only passion in life – Playstation 3 gaming. As he grips the Playstation and laptop under one arm, he carries the torch with the other, and like a breath of wind, darts furtively along the path and slips back through the metal gate bars, to freedom. He spends the rest of the morning playing Mirrors Edge – a game that he didn’t even have to steal, finding thousands of them in the dumpster out the back of EB Games.
5.30am: Chris wakes up for work, goes out to use his laptop and discovers the robbery has taken place
6.00am: We wake up Nick and upon entering the studio, he discovers that his Playstation and Vita are gone. Nothing else appears to be missing after a quick check. We call the police and check Gumtree for the stolen goods. I have avocado on toast and coco pops for breakfast, Chris just has coco pops.
“Shifty” Jim Catelli
Peter “The Pockets” Draiden
Everyone else in Perth.
As you can see, we aren’t overly upset and we do accept that we should have had locks on this door to prevent theft. Nick is pretty (and rightly so) bummed out about the PS3 and the Rock Band game that was in the console. Though his insurance will probably cover the monetary value, this is years of gameplay stored that he has lost. Chris didn’t have personal stuff on the laptop at all, and is quietly confident that he will secure a new laptop soon enough. It could have been a lot worse, the thief could have been armed and broken into the main house, seriously injuring someone. Compared to the many people that get robbed and brutally attacked, we were extremely lucky. Things are just things and not something to hold too dearly, or place too much importance in. If anybody hears of anyone trying to flog a PS3, A Vita and a cherry red Dell laptop computer, please apprehend them immediately. Please keep an eye out for anybody wearing clothing with a Vita-sized pocket, who is on their own and does not appear to be under the influence of anything. They may be enjoying a jaffa flavoured milkshake, or appear somewhat tired from an evening of thieving. We are also closely monitoring the movements of Jim Catelli and Peter Draiden.*
*We actually aren’t – Jim and Peter are our wonderful friends and are both scholars and gentlemen who would never do anything of the sort
Love, Chelle xoxoxoox
PS GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS – A WHOLE POST WITH NO SWEARING!!!!!!