Today was a cold winters day and I needed some more blog ammo, post-haste. I’d been entertaining the idea of writing a sequel to my smash hit (not to be confused with the amazing magazine full of Take That and Oasis posters) for some time and I decided that I would slink down to my local gas station and try to subtly buy a Cosmopolitan magazine. It felt like when I was 13 trying to buy tampons. I would loiter in the tampon aisle pretending to look at hair dye and then as soon as the coast was clear and nobody else was in the aisle at all, I would scurry to get the tampons, and then only go to a checkout that had a really old lady working it. What a retard.
Anyway, this month’s issue of Cosmopolitan certainly didn’t disappoint. Cover stories include such Pulitzer-prize journalism as “A Day In The Life Of His Doodle!” and “WHAT YOU NEED NOW” – I am not even joking when I say that evidently, what I hard-core need right now is a tan trench coat, “leather-look” pants, and red suede boots. What the fucking fuck?
Onwards to the inside. Oh goody, there is an entire quiz section that evidently all girls MUST take before their next date. Whilst not hot on the grammar, “Are You Too Picky About Dudes?” is so that you know how not to judge guys too soon lest you miss “The One”. Again with grammar being the low priority, “Do You Give Good First Impression” tells me that I need to turn up the charisma and share quirky details about myself because I am too shy. What the? I’m so UN-shy that I have a public blog where I talk about my years of tampon-buying shame. You don’t know dick, Cosmopolitan. “How Boy Brave Are You?” reveals that I am too stand-offish towards men. Well, that is good considering I already have a boyfriend. “What’s Your Man-Magnet Style?” makes it clear that I am “way too timid”. Well I hate to be Johnny Raincloud here, but this quiz was almost exactly the same as the previous one. My favourite quiz was “Do Guys Think You’re Exciting?” in which I scored a worrying “Live A Little”. Evidently I am in the least-exciting category of women, as judged by men. But how could this be? EVERYBODY loves the Chelleshockk!! Unfortunately guys don’t find me exciting because I don’t tape a suggestive sign to his garage, signalling him that I wish to get it on. Also, I don’t wear strapless dresses. Oh, and because I do not wish to partake in DOUBLE the amount of “moves” in the Kama Sutra. Yawn, fuck I’m a boring girlfriend.
There are some things I find a little alarming in this issue. Firstly, the bonus “Body Love” insert – which turns out, is not actually about loving your body. It features great articles such as “New Ways To Sneak Exercise Into Your Life” – with the subheader “Overhaul Your Body Without Joining a Gym Or Subsisting on Rabbit Food.”
Hold Up. Overhaul my body? Not love my body then. Overhaul it. They should have called it the bonus “Body Overhaul” insert instead. I also need to mention “Workout For Your Wardrobe”, which promises that you can “say yes to every outfit with these six trouble-spot-taming exercises”. It then lists the following “goals”: cut-off denim shorts, bodycon dress, tight tee, halter neck, skinny jeans, strapless dress. Good thing I don’t want to wear any of those things then, because otherwise I’d be in trouble. Wait; no I wouldn’t be. I am allowed to say yes to any goddamn outfit that I choose.It’s easy for women to forget things like free will when reading this shitty magazine, and I bet there are plenty that don’t even question Cosmopolitan’s mind-control techniques. Also rather awful is the free diet book, called “LOOK GOOD, feel good” – in that order. It has a label on the front that reads, “A Weight Loss Plan For Young Women”. Everything about this sentence makes me think that it was written by some creepy, misogynistic elderly man who believes that women are nothing but ornaments.
Remember that this magazine doesn’t actually want you to love yourself or feel good about the way you look. Because if all women felt good about themselves, then Cosmopolitan would be out of business. It needs you. It feeds on your insecurities and self-hatred. What’s worse, the majority of you are fuelling the fire yourself. Cosmopolitan just has to sit back leisurely watching the dollars roll in, as you shovel your self-worth into it’s lipstick-tunnelled maws. Just putting that out there for all you female readers to think about.
Anyway, all that serious stuff aside, check out the look that can change your career! Holy shit, now I can finally get my boss to notice me!
There is a handy guide called “Before You Let Him In The Back Door”, which tells you how to keep your man by letting him do you in the butt. You can also read all about “The Hotter Hemsworth” (actor Liam Hemsworth). Really Cosmo? You make a big song-and-dance about how unfair it is when guys criticise womens’ appearance, but then you use a headline that suggests one brother is better than another for their looks? Fuck my life just for reading this, honestly.
We get to see a day of a guys penis, in terms of when he gets barred up during the day. Completely unnecessary and completely predictable.
Don’t even get me started on this:
Well, I’m off to throw up my food so that I can say yes to some denim cutoffs.
Love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxoxooxox