There are some tattoos out there that just kind of annoy me. You, the reader, may even have one or more of these and that is fine, just as I probably have tattoos that you think are tacky or lame (forearm stars, anyone?) I’m not being elitist and I welcome you to bum out any of my tattoos in the “comments” section! Below are just the types of tattoos that I personally think are stupid. So without further ado, let me rant about tattoos that I don’t like and why:
1. Ford and Holden logos: Yes I get it, you’d rather push your Ford than drive a Holden, or you gleefully exclaim that Ford is an acronym for “Fucked On Race Day”. I am aware that Bathurst is the key event of the year that “sorts out the boys from the men” and proves which is better, Ford or Holden. Get the merchandise (there’s enough of it out there, in every tacky bogan shop that ever existed) but don’t get the logo tattooed, especially not on your shoulder or bicep and especially not on the boobs. It really does look dumb.
2. Angelique Houtkamp tattoos that weren’t done by Angelique Houtkamp. This is actually plagiarism and I know of many tattoo artists that would be pretty pissed if you took a picture of their work to another tattoo artist and got it done. Whilst I think Houtkamps flash is pleasing to look at and cutesy, if I see one more stupid hipster with a lady’s head on a birds body, or a lady’s head in a tea kettle I will be kicking the nearest person in the vicinity. P.S. Tattoo artists probably get a bit bummed when you would rather them plagiarise someone else’s work than do one of their own designs. I wouldn’t go to Salvador Dali and ask for a copy of a Picasso.
3. Barbed wire armbands: Was this all a byproduct of that Pamela Anderson movie? Did early 90s chicks think that by getting this they could run around telling people not to call them “babe”, or that they would look like Pamela Anderson? Barbed wire armbands are the tattoo equivalent of those awful necklaces. You know of which I speak.
4. Geckos/lizards on ankles: Pretty sure these are only ever done these days in Bali.
5. Kanji …. grrrrrrrrrrr. Sorry. I know that many people have Kanji symbols, but please. Why would a 17 year old girl who has never learnt Japanese, get the word “angel” in Kanji on her hip? Because she is a fuckstick, that’s why.
6. Looney Tunes characters – Taz? Really? Way to show your quirky style, by getting a Taz tattoo on your ankle, you dick. I find many people in their 30s get stuff like this. It’s funny because they would go through their twenties being careful not to get a tattoo because “it’s permanent”, then in their thirties they decided that “life’s too short” and so they go out and get a fucking Bugs Bunny tattoo on their shoulder.
7. Playboy bunnies: You may as well have all of your character flaws listed in Times New Roman down your arm. Seriously. Playboy bunnies suggest 1 of 3 things. 1. You think that you are really sexy and have what it takes to be a Playboy Bunny. 2. You think that living in some old guys mansion with dozens of other skanks and a curfew is a respectable career path for a woman, or 3. You’re just incredibly stupid and can’t think of anything better to have as a tattoo.
8. Tribal tattoos on skinny white boys. What’s your iwi bro? Yeah didn’t think so.
9. Lots and lots of words. When you get something extremely lengthy tattooed in a font, not only have you wasted a prime piece of skin real estate, you will also look stupid. Your tattoo artist won’t be too pleased either. Contrary to popular belief, many tattoo artists HATE doing font and large pieces of wording, unless it is a custom artistic script. Which the majority of jerks never get. How could someone think that Courier New would actually look good on a 3D body with natural curves? I have something that is 11 words, in Old English, and it looks really stupid. However its not visible, and thats why cover-ups were invented!
10. Trees etc with names “hidden” in them. If you’re going to get a name tattooed on you, have the guts to get it in a visible manner. You can still make it artistic, however hiding your 6 kids’ names in a celtic knot just looks trashy.
11. Animals with monocles: Yes these make extremely cutesy art but again, there are too many hipsters out there with a dinosaur/owl/bulldog wearing a monocle and/or tophat. I actually feel really bummed for the artists that did these originally because they actually are quite nice. However, hipsters had to go and ruin it for everyone else. Booooooo.
12. Any corporate or band logos: I know I have already blackballed Holden/Ford and Playboy Bunny, but here are some more that look fucked up. Coca-Cola, McDonalds, Nike, BMW (or any other rich white people car brand, for that matter), Metallica, Nickelback, Lynyrd Skynyrd, I could go on forever. But I won’t.
13. Nautical tattoos on people that have never been to sea. Nautical tattoos are extremely historical in nature, and it kind of shits me to see 18 year old girls with a big traditional ship tattoo, who then try to declare that their great-great-grandfather was in the navy and that is why they got it. For fucks sake, saying “I think ships look good” is a better answer than trying to make up some bullshit story to justify your trendy tattoo. PS. Never make up bullshit to justify your tattoos. In fact, you never have to justify your tattoos to anybody. Fuck them – it’s your body and your choice, and if you like ships, then go ahead and get your ship. I still don’t like them on landlubbers, though.
14. Bad portrait tattoos. Never get a portrait tattoo from someone whos portraits you’ve never checked out. Seriously – tattoo artists have a portfolio for this reason, so you can see their work before you let them permanently decorate you. I waited about 7 months until I found an artist that I was comfortable enough to get portrait work from, and I’d be prepared to wait years if I had to. For gods sake, don’t get a portrait from your mate Steve that does sweet tribal, or Dazza down the road that did your Mad Max tatt. Just don’t. Spend the time and money in getting something that doesn’t ruin the memory of the person you’re getting inked.
15. Ambiguous tattoos where you had to dig deep to find a sad story with which to justify them. It’s not LA Ink, tattoos don’t all need sob stories. If you want a tattoo, get one. Don’t get a flower and try to pass it off as being in memory of your great-grand aunt that you never even met. Just settle the fuck down and have the guts to wear a tattoo without needing to explain yourself to others.
Love, Chelle xoxoxoxoxooxoxxoox