I pride myself on not only being a good ear in times of crisis, but also being a proactive friend that can offer helpful advice where needed. So here are some tips and tricks that I have gathered over my 13 years of being a consumer of sweet sweet booze.
1. A hipflask down the undies never goes astray. Make sure its a small one, or one with a gentle curve in it so that it contours to your body. Last years work function didn’t have alcohol and so I was forced to bring a hipflask of vodka – which I had brought from the bogan shop down the road called “Sharlene’s” (we are pretty sure that “Sharlene’s” is a front for a dodgy drug op, but thats neither here nor there because they sell a mean hip flask and BB gun). I bought a jug of soda water and lime at the function, and then under the table I unloaded my hipflask in ….. and then proceeded to get rad (I’d already had a snifter or two beforehand, of course).
2. Wearing a hoody? Fantastic! Did you ever realise that a goon sack nestles into the lowered hood of a hoody perfectly, and its the one places the bouncers never bother to check?? The only problem I see with this is that many places don’t allow hoods. However this would be a great one for a festival, because fuck paying $9 for cans of mid-strength beer all day. Once you’ve made it through the doors, I would recommend to transfer your goon to your bag because the weight could give you neck problems … and drink it fast!
3. The most recent way that I have snuck booze into a venue was for the Cold Chisel concert at Sandalford Winery over Easter. Don’t get me wrong, we were still “paying customers” but my sisters and I are just so thrifty that we cannot bear the thought of paying outright for booze ALL NIGHT. The security at these places is pretty tight and they really do go through your stuff. You were allowed to bring in food as it was a “rug on the grass” type of gig, but they confiscated jars and everything. So how did we run this gauntlet, I hear you ask? We made a fruit salad and tipped vodka in it. We let that shit soak for a couple of hours and then just took it along. They never thought to check the fruit salad! However, eating the fruit that was sitting in a huge pool of vodka was pretty gnarly, so we just tipped the vodka into our wines and made a makeshift “punch”, and then once the vodka level of the fruit salad had waned, we started eating the fruit. YUSSSSSS.
4. If you’re a bit of a girly girl, get yourself one of those little spray fragrances (not an aerosol, just a little spray bottle) – make it a decent sized one, about 500ml if you can. Tip out all of the nasty baby prostitute fragrance and wash it out thoroughly, including the spray pump part. Once its totally free of chemicals, fill it with peach or other delicious schnapps. Because they smell fruity, like a spray, and many perfumes contain alcohol so nobody can accuse it of being anything other than fragrance. Also, the handy spray mechanism means that you can just wander around without a care in the world, spraying schnapps into your mouth all night like a goddamn billionaire.
5. Recently, this was brought to my attention. I need one of these but I don’t know if I can afford for my tits to become any bigger, to be honest – because then I’d really look suspicious.
6. Get creative and hollow out stuff to fit miniature bottles of whiskey into. This can be done with so many things, like cameras and bibles. I’ve always wanted to get a book and cut out a hole in the pages to put something secret into. What better way to use this idea than with booze?
7. If you’re going to a sporting event, buy yourself one of those big obnoxious foam hand thingys that all the fans seem to have, and load that shit up with the finest from your top shelf. Nobody at sports venues bothers to search too intensely, you normally just get the rudimentary pat down and the quick look at the top of your bag. Side note: Whenever I go into KMart or wherever and they ask to see my bag, sometimes its a satchel with a cardy on the top and they don’t even ask me to stir the contents around. I could have stolen a 3 pack of socks under that cardy and they’d be none the wiser. It just seems pointless to me, unless they are looking for a TV thief.
8. If you have a young child and the place is family friendly, get a whole bunch of “water toys” – the ones that have a wee trapdoor so that the kid can put water in it and empty it out. Fill those with booze, and go to the venue, passing them off as “kids toys”. Nobody is going to examine a bunch of baby toys very closely. Probably make sure that if you are going to do this, bring someone sober to mind the child (not that I’d ever want to take a child to a place where I was trying to have a fun time). However this is an excellent last resort and can be good for “family friendly” things like Pride Day and Blues n Roots.
9. Wear some oversized high top shoes – you know, the nicely padded ones, and push 2-3 miniature vodkas down each shoe. Nobody checks shoes and thats 6 shots right there! Yes it will be uncomfortable but it’s only for a little while, until you are safely inside the venue. Plus you will be wearing comfy shoes and won’t end up crying and carrying your heels at the end of the day like a dickhead.
10. Are you a smoker? It doesn’t matter, you don’t have to be! A ciggie pack can hold 2 miniatures, so you can pretty much carry 4 per person and then a real pack of ciggies in your hand to smoke with, if you are a smoker. Yes you might get looks of scorn from the gate staff, and hear them mutter phrases such as “lung cancer” , “gangrene” and “second hand smoke” under their breath, but who gives a shit? Not me, if I’m not paying exorbitant amounts for alcohol.
11. Tape a goon bag around your torso, and wear a couple of t-shirts to disguise that familiar goon bag feeling. That way if they pat you down, you’ll just seem “unfit” and they will be too embarrassed to ask you to lift your shirt. Either that or tape it to your back. In fact, you can find a million ways to bring in a goon bag, around the thigh, under a scarf, pretty much anywhere as it conforms to your body. However I would always recommend bringing a half full goon bag, so that it has more freedom to move when you need it to.
12. If the function is a classy one, wear a top hat, and rig a small wine cellar into it. I would imagine that you can get two bottles of wine into a top hat, and as long as you secure them firmly then it shouldn’t be too much of an issue. Once again, it will be on the heavy side, but its only until you get into the toilets where you and your accomplice can swig them down. If your accomplice has nice breasts, this is good because they will take the attention away from your top hat, and then when she is drunk she might make out with you.
13. This is one that my Dad taught me when I was about 15 and I don’t know if it would really fly in this day and age, however if you are willing to buck fashion for the sake of getting drunk, then it’s a real doozy. Dad and his friends used to go to the rugby in the 70s wearing huge manly bell-bottomed pants, however they had taped booze all around their calves and shins, because back in those days the pants were so redonkulous that they would hide the booze and nobody ever thought to search there. I did try it once, with “Lee Superflares” (don’t pretend you don’t remember “Lee Superflares”, you dick) and it worked a treat. That was one high school sports day that didn’t suck! (P.S. Long jump is fucking fun when you are drunk)
14. Pay an elderly person to cart it in, hidden in their wheelchair for you. There are so many places the elderly can hide booze, including (but not limited to): under their leg blanket, down the sides, behind their back, in the wee pockets under the seat, in their cardys. With the poor state of the pension, many old people will do anything to make a quick buck that the taxman doesn’t know about. How else can they ply their grandkids with Werthers Originals and Danish Butter Cookies at Christmas time?
15. Find someone “on the inside” at a gig, and get them to bring it in for you with the roadie equipment. Arrive early and have them meet you somewhere discreet so that you can give them a BJ and they can give you your booze (roadies LOVE BJs, everybody knows that). This is prob the most easy way to get it in actually, and you may not always need to pay in the form of BJ, some people will just do it because they are nice, or some prefer cash.
Anyway, enjoy your next function in the fashion that I have enjoyed so many in my lifetime – drunk enough to strike up a conversation!
Love, Chelle xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxxoxo