So you’re bored, huh? Well, never mind – you just sit back and let Aunty Chelle cure what ails ya. With my advice, you’ll not be bored for at least another day. Here is a list of my favourite boredom-busters, in no particular order.
1. Tidy out all the drawers in your house. Take all your desk drawers, kitchen drawers etc, take everything out, wipe the insides of the drawers, and replace the important stuff in an orderly fashion. Be brutal about what you should and shouldn’t keep. A 3 year old baggie of methamphetamine is something you should chuck out (regardless of how much you paid for it), whereas you can keep only barely expired condoms for a little longer. Put them near your Whore Jar so that you always remember to use them. Once you have cleared out all of your drawers, not only will you now be able to close them properly, you have just gotten rid of a tonne of junk. It’s probably best to do this drunk or high, with good music on that you can sing to, being that it probably counts as “housework”. However, I like to call it “treasure-hunting”. I recommend Alanis Morrisette, Nirvana and Dr. Dre for this activity.
2. Start a blog. That is truthfully how this one began – out of sheer boredom. And now I get 50-200 hits a day and I enjoy it so much that I don’t even have to be bored or drunk to write a post! If any of you readers do start a blog out of boredom, I promise to read it!
3. If you’re at home alone, have a fashion show with yourself. Try on all your shit, and also your partners. You never know when you might find a gem. Chris has a really rad 70s suede waistcoat/vest thingy that I’d be all over if I didn’t have boobs.
4. Go to the supermarket, buy some Sharpies of assorted sizes, and draw on everything and anything that you can get away with. If you are renting, just draw on the whiteware that you own. If you own your own house, pick a small wall somewhere and draw on it!! I don’t understand why there aren’t more people out there with full-wall murals in their toilets. Hello, its a room you go to for getting rid of waste, I doubt that it really matters what is on the walls. Furthermore, it would actually look really cool. The minute I get my own home, I’m going to do a big Sharpie mural on a toilet wall.
5. There’s no shame in getting drunk and looking through old photos while listening to music from yesteryear.
6. If there is any kind of musical instrument in your house, teach yourself how to play something on it. Guitar is particularly easy for this – now that the internet exists, anybody can learn to play guitar chords. Just google guitar chords for a song that you can sing, and then learn off the internet! Just don’t play that annoying Deep Purple song. You know of what I speak.
7. If you can borrow a skateboard, go find an abandoned carpark and go for a skate, even if you “can’t skate”. It’s not that hard, you don’t have to be able to “do ollies” or anything, just kick, push and coast. If you can already skate in a straight line, go get a huge blue tarp and a loyal sidekick, and go do some tarp surfing. Invite another friend who is into photography to come and take photos, because tarp surfing can make some pretty fun pictures. Then you will have busted boredom for not one, but three people!
8. Take something from a flatmate/someone you live with (make it something that they will miss) and leave a ransom note, made from cut out newspaper and magazine letters. Of course, it’s all in jest and you must still give it back even if they can’t make the ransom payment, because nobody likes a cunt.
9. Make phone calls to relatives, and if you’ve got no relatives, then get drunk and make prank calls with a friend. You’re never too old to do this. My German friend Christine is really good at doing them, and with her German accent it is even more hilarious!!!!! My friend Laura and I also got trapped into talking to a guy that we were prank calling once, and he turned out to be really nice. So you never know where they will lead.
10. Give yourself a haircut, because nothing makes you feel swirlier than a “new look”. Go show it off to the fine people at the supermarket and pretend you’re way more chic than you really are. You’d be surprised at what a difference a little bit of newfound novelty confidence makes to your swagger.
11. Make a list of people you have slept with/made out with. (I know everybody has done this at some time or other – make a list of “slept with” if you have slept with more than 10 people, and if not, make a “made out with” list). Then look up those people on Facebook and give yourself a pat on the back and 10 points for the ones that turned out successful, and negative 5 points and a disapproving look in the mirror for those that became bogans. You can also give yourself a disapproving look for every shag whose name you can’t remember, or a pat on the back if you’re that way inclined.
12. To finish on a positive note, get a whiteboard marker and write all the stuff you love about yourself on your bathroom mirror, so that in the mornings you can see it, and then leave the house with a smug strut. Probably do a wee test first in the corner of the mirror, because I don’t know if whiteboard marker actually comes off mirrors, and you don’t want the next tenants to know that you are so flexible that you can give yourself a BJ.
Well, I hope that you aren’t bored anymore!!
Love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxox