I know I may seem like a really negative old bitch because all I ever seem to do is complain and rant about stuff, right? Well, you’re probably right, and I suppose I am a bit of a disgruntled ex-employee/ concerned neighbour/ outraged citizen etc (take your pick, I don’t care what you label me). Here are my latest list of things to rant about.
1. The Great Passport Photo Rip-Off of 2012. I have lost my passport and in the interest of going to Koh Samui for some magic mushrooms and soccer golf this year, I am needing to acquire a replacement passport. I was being all organised and knew that I needed passport photos when lo and behold, I saw a passport photo booth at Carousel when going to the movies last night. I put in my $10, adjusted the seat height and lined my face up directly in the oval and got THIS:
The pics of the people on the outside were all perfect, with plenty of white border around their heads as per NZ Passport regulatory specifications. I was outraged that mine wasn’t, especially as I had gone to so much trouble to ensure that my face was perfectly in the oval. I tried to call the 1300 “hotline” and there was an answering machine. I am going to get my $10 back, come hell or high water. I bet they will send me a cheque, which I will promptly never cash. Because cashing cheques is for non-lazy 90s people. It’s the principle that counts, really.
2. Coldplay, U2 and Radiohead. I just don’t see what is so damn amazing about any of these bands. I’m not saying they are shit, but I am just saying that they are too boring to be the recipients of so much damn wanking. Can people please stop going on about them as if they revolutionised the world or made music that was in any way all that different to everyone else?
3. People that add me to Facebook after I have deleted them more than once. Look. If I deleted you, it’s probably nothing personal, but more so the fact that you were in my life once upon a fleeting time and now I will never see you again so cannot be bothered pretending to be interested in you. Either that or you have children and are of no interest to me because all your status updates are about your damn kids. Yes I may seem like a bitch, but go ahead and be mad, because I really have plenty of friends and can do with a few less, to be honest. You’d only be making my life less complicated if you labelled me a total bitch and moved on. Don’t worry, you will find many friends cooler and nicer than me, it’s no big loss.
4. Movies with a serious white guy and wisecrack black guy as the lead roles. These movies are all so booooooring. Hey white guy, we get it. You’re an uptight workaholic and have trust issues because your family turned their back on you when you chose your job over them. You don’t like anything except work and steak and you take yourself too seriously. I know you are exasperated that the FBI teamed you up with a new black partner who is always talking and joking, and asking you questions about yourself that you refuse to answer. He is pissed that he is teamed with a ‘white dude” for starters, because err-body knows that white guys got no “skillz” and all of that. In the end though, you will become best friends and you will have opened up and taken that stick our of your white arsehole. You may even develop a wee catchphrase that sounds “street”. YAWN.
5. Cafes and places that sell readily-made sandwiches. I hate that if you want to buy a sandwich that is void of tomatoes or bean sprouts, you’re shit out of luck. They assume that everybody likes tomatoes and bean sprouts, and so they inflict these ingredients upon EVERY sandwich they sell. Why can’t they have a few sandwiches that are just lettuce? OR maybe its that everybody feels the same ways as me and all the good sandwiches get sold straight away. The worst part is, you can’t really pick these things out without the flavour still remaining. And eating bean sprouts tastes like eating blades of grass.
6. People that write “should of”. I know that the word “should’ve” sounds kind of like “should of”, but IT’S ACTUALLY NOT! Think about it. “Should of” does not even make sense grammatically. When you see the apostrophe, it means that two words have been shortened into one and it’s called a contraction. Therefore the words “should and “have” have been contracted into one smaller, time-saving word; should’ve. If you are going to write it in the full, then write “should have”. If not, then just use “should’ve”. We learned about this in primary school. “SHOULD OF” IS NOT A THING.
7. I can’t believe how angry I just got writing Number 6. My face is actually flushed with anger. I have serious problems.
8. When you are at home in the front lounge all day and do not hear anyone knocking on the front door, yet at 4pm you find a little card in your mailbox to say that there is a parcel waiting for you at the post office because “you weren’t home to accept the delivery”. This is bullshit and it happens all the time, most recently to my poor flatmate Nick. The front door was even wide open all day so that he could have the air-con up. I think that the van drivers purposely do this because they are too lazy to get the item out and receive a signature, or maybe they are frightened that they will be yelled at by the recipient due to lengthy delivery times? Either way, its shitty and underhanded and makes me distrust our postal system. Next time I see an Australian Post van I’m going to flip them the bird, for the inconvenience that they caused Nick last week.
9. Garage Sale owners that try and overprice their merch. Um excuse me, you’re selling this out of a garage. You have no overheads except for 5 minutes labour for that shitty, unevenly handwritten sign on the lamppost, therefore everything I give you is pure profit. If you really think your shit is that valuable, don’t be a scrooge, pay to list it on eBay and you will find someone willing to pay for it. It’s not cool to try and take your neighbourhood bargain-hunters for a ride.
10. People that make handwritten signs that are messy and uneven. Especially businesses. Nothing irks me more than when a business has a crappy hand-written sign in the window/on the bathroom door that looks like a 5 year old made it. Especially when you can see a computer and printer in plain sight. Why not just print out a sign made using a bold font in Microsoft Word? It looks 100 times better. But having said that, I’ll throw out a shopping list and start again if I have made a mistake, so maybe I’m just anal.
Love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox