The Goings-On At A House Of Ill-Repute, as reminisced by moi.

Some of you may know that when I was severely in debt, I worked 2 jobs for ages, to get myself sorted financially. The first one was by day at an internet company, which was bland, soggy and unfavourable, yet somewhat nutritious. The second was at an escort agency, and proved much more colourful and delectable than my daytime gig. I was a receptionist which meant that I would answer the phone and organise well-rounded company for men who were looking for that special someone for a predetermined period of time. Before I begin my stories, I will make a quick disclaimer that working 2 jobs back to back 5 days a week is not favourable, and I do not recommend it. I got about 2 hours of sleep a night and developed a bit of a “caffeine” habit, which was purely to stay awake, and not for recreation. Don’t judge me on that please as it was ages ago and my nostrils are clean nowadays as is my credit rating. I wasn’t much fun to be around and I was usually really neither here nor there. But my bills got paid, and I am proud of being able to do that on my own, and although I’d hate to relive that whole gruelling experience, it has really built character and strength within me.

Anyway, enough of that boring crap because I know all you want to hear about is the kinky stuff and funny stories. I don’t even know where to start and I feel a bit guilty that I haven’t unleashed this treasure trove of juicy gossip onto you faithful readers sooner! I will begin by outlining exactly what my job entailed.

Ring, Ring.

Me: “Good evening XYZ* Escorts, how may I help you?” (said in a sweet girly voice, of course).

Caller: “Yeah … ah-er how does this work, I’ve never done this before…” *I smile smugly as I recognise the caller from the booking he made the previous night*

Me: “Well, what type of lady are you looking for? I’ve got a gorgeous *insert description of girl in here* that can be available for you in about 15 minutes” (again, said very sweetly)

And from there on is an exchange of the type of service the guy is looking for (date/full service/kinky extras) and address info etc, followed by taking credit card payment if that is how they are paying, and promising their lovely lady momentarily. Then I’d write down the info and give it to a burly driver, who also doubles as security. He would then go into the girls lounge and makeup quarters of the office and tell the lady that she has an appointment, and take her there.

"You'll like this client, Miss Daisy"

The driver would always have 2 girls in his car, because while one girl is in an appointment, we would often get a call for the other girl, and generally it will be in a similar area. All of the info would go on a booking sheet, with the address, name, type of service, driver and price, as well as the times that the girls would call in and out. They needed to call us when they got there to confirm that they were safe and happy to stay and of course, had the money. Then I would keep an eye on the time and after the time had passed I would give them a call to hustle them out of there if they had not yet called out and arrived back to their car. Where is the driver in all of this? Parked somewhere non-dodgy, no more than a block away. Many clients would actually invite the driver in for a beer and to watch TV while they enjoyed the product, which I always thought was a bit weird, and so did the drivers as they always declined.

It's not everyone's cup of tea.

Anyway. So now you have a view of how it generally works, let me regale you with some of the more colourful punters that I encountered during the evening. Some of these guys were well-known regulars and I am describing what the girls would tell me, and others I spoke to on the phone a lot.

1. Weightlifter Guy. This guy would always call up whilst lifting weights, and ask whether we had any “weightlifting” ladies. I felt a bit bad for him because the answer was always the same. Unfortunately body-builders just don’t often seem to segue into turning tricks. He was always panting and I could always hear the clunk of the barbell, so perhaps he was never actually going to book, but just enjoyed the thrill of calling up during a hot and heavy weights session.

"I'm afraid Starla is away being shod tonight"

2. Lizardman. This guy was an extreme hoarder of what he actually referred to as his “treasures”, and according to the girls, he was a very small man with scales (?). I assume this meant that he had eczema, and his voice was quite small and just how I would imagine a lizard to sound. Many girls refused to see him, partly due to the scales but probably mostly due to the fact that his house was stuffed to the brim full of mountains upon mountains of old newspapers and other worthless trinkets. One day he called up and gasped down the phone “I don’t believe it! I don’t believe it!” The other receptionist at the time, Missy, spend ages trying to find out what he was distressed about. “She’s stolen my treasures!” He rasped, upset because he thought that his lady for the evening had nicked his treasure. The “treasures” turned out to be an old tobacco tin full of buttons, which the girl that went to see him the following week, actually found for him underneath some old newspapers. He did call up to apologise and I was pretty sure he was on the verge of tears. I felt so bad that the guy was spending probably what was the majority of his money on hiring girls.The odd thing is that he only wanted them to tickle his chest. He must have decided that it wasn’t financially viable anymore, because he started calling up to book ladies and then calling 2 hours later to cancel them, so perhaps in the end he just enjoyed the thrill of the bookings. I’d love to tell you his name because it is so deliciously strange and old-fashioned, however I will not, in the interest of discretion. Just know that it was totally awesome and suited him to a tee, even more so than “Lizardman”. Side note: the other receptionist Missy, and I were going to start an all-girl band named “Lizardman”, in his honour.

"She's taken MY TREASURES!"

3. Marriage Man. This guy decided that the way to woo the ladies would be to talk about how great it would be if they were married, during the act. He would wax lyrical about how they could share household chores and have “date nights”, until it all got too much for him and then it was all over, and not one word would be uttered about the topic until next time. The girls were a little creeped out by him, because some of them thought that he might try and lock them into some sort of hidden basement and force them to be his wife forever. I just think that he really liked the idea of marriage and wanted to act out the fantasy for a short while at a premium rate.

Why pay for it when some girls are giving it away free?!

4. 8 Ball Investment Banker Guy. This guy was a foreigner in his 20s and apparently very good looking, and would always stay at the Intercontinental or the Duxton. The girls all loved him because he would always have a couple of 8 balls of coke, and plenty of money. If he hired a girl, it would be for hours on end and all they would do was snort coke, and she would watch TV while he worked on his investment banking. She would always get a generous tip, which I liked because I always saw a cut of it (they were very grateful to me if I scored them an appt with one of the awesome clients).

I promised I wouldn't name names.

5. Golden Shower and Fanta Bottle Guy. We often got a lot of prank calls whereby people would ask for really random stuff and give a false name/number (I’d always call back to confirm before sending anyone there). So on a particularly quiet night, I wasn’t surprised when I got a call from a gentleman in his 50s who asked to receive a golden shower. Fair enough, this was a fairly common request. He then explained that he had a 2L Fanta bottle that he wanted the lady to insert where the sun don’t shine. I told him I’d call him back and yelled out to the girls “Anyone wanna piss on a guy and do him with a Fanta bottle?” Just kidding, things are executed much more politely than that. I found a girl that provides golden showers (they all have info cards that specify what they do/don’t do) and then quietly asked her if she would be up for the Fanta Fun as well. Because that kind of thing comes under “Fantasy” (heh, more like, FANTA – SY!), the money was huge and she jumped at the chance to earn a casual $800. So I sent her on her way, thoroughly expecting that the booking would not go ahead, but lo and behold it did, for the full service. To put it lightly, I was astounded at the sheer logistics of it. She had also told me that the guy had a prominent job and was very wealthy. I love secrets.

He suuuuuuuuuure did.

Tell me if you’re bored yet.

6. Middle-East Terrorist Guy. One evening I got a call from a man with an unusual request – he wanted to be tied up and tortured, Iraq-war style. And he wanted the lady to wear a gas mask and combat gear (supplied by him). He paid by credit card but it had to be refunded in the end because the only lady that would go anywhere near that one, ended up extending her booking to an all-nighter and couldn’t see him. He actually described to me the room he had set up for the service, including brick walls, a dim single bulb light, a blowtorch and a pressure sprayer. He even said that the girls security could be present, to alleviate my concerns. Erm ….

He just wanted to "hang out" .....

7. Poetry Guy. This guy was extremely sweet and would always hire a girl, yet would spend about half an hour just talking to the receptionists, I guess because he was lonely. He would always write poetry about us receptionists, which I would make him repeat, so I could write it down. I wish I still had some of his poems because they were always so lovely, and about how I had a heart of gold and a soft lilting voice and so forth.

I stole his heart and his cat.

On top of these characters, there were a lot of guys that would call and ask us to describe all of the girls and all of the services, whilst breathing heavily. Thankfully we had caller ID and a huge list of numbers not to answer! For every weird client, we had about 20 lovely ones. Many were mining guys who lacked company on a Tuesday night due to their friends all having Mon-Fri jobs, or just sweet guys that would call up and thank you afterwards for sending out such a nice girl. Many of the clients would give our girls gifts, and cook them dinner. So please remember that its not just weirdos that use escort services! Dirty old men need loving, too!

Some perhaps more than others.

Have a good Monday night guys,

Love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

* Name has been changed in the interest of discretion, lest one of our old clients reads my blog (?)

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