Hate Crimes

I probably hate you if you fall into one of the below categories:

1. The guy that boasts on and on and on about how he won’t eat chilis unless they make his veins burst, eyes pop, mouth explode etc etc. You know that guy, where you all go to a restaurant and he makes a huge show of asking the staff about how hot the food is and then orders the hottest option, telling them to put in extra chilis. When everyone is enjoying their dinner ranging from mild to averagely hot, he is sitting there sweating, tears pouring down his face and eating his “extra chillies”. He keeps looking around to see who’s paying attention to him. It’s pretty clear he isn’t having a good time, he just wanted everyone to think he was some sort of special guy.

You'll NEVER be this awesome

2. The chilli-guys cousin, the Story Topper. Fuck you, Story Topper. Most Story Toppers I know don’t have very many friends, or the friends that they do have are somewhat retarded/constantly stoned. You can always spot a Story Topper just by throwing a sentence out there. “My uncle is a sheep farmer in Gore”, to which he will reply, “My uncle is the CEO of the worlds largest sheep factory”. Settle down mate, it’s not a competition. Well actually for the Story Topper, IT IS. Don’t ever bring up the following subjects with story toppers: car accidents (his are always way more dangerous and mangled), work load (he is always busier/more stressed than you), unusual sleep patterns (he’s an insomniac, in fact he is a case study for doctors all over the world because they had never seen anyone with such an individually bad case of insomnia) … the list goes on. Here is what you CAN bring up with the Story Topper. Your foot. Into his vagina. The end; piss off Story Toppers and don’t bother reading my blog. I’m sure yours is getting made into a fucking book deal anyway.

You know who you are.

3. Whingers. People that constantly whinge about something and don’t do anything at all to change it. The common grass variety whinger will be one that hates their job and never shuts up about it, however the minute you tell them to look for another one, they are “too busy”. What, so you have enough time to waste 45 minutes of my life bitching to me about it but then lack the time to change it? Here’s a tip: Stop complaining to people and get on Seek. Jesus Christ you people make me sick.

Then shut the hell up and do something about it.

4. Weight Watchers. Don’t worry, I don’t mean the people that attend the meetings and count their food out into points, I meant the people that never shut up about their weight. There are generally 3 types:  1. People that complain to anyone who will listen about being fat, then do nothing about it. I’m fat but at least I don’t complain at people about it! If you hate yourself enough to complain endlessly about it, then please hate yourself enough to give everyone elses ears a rest, put down the chocolate and go to the fucking gym. 2. The people that lose some weight and then spend hours telling other people how they should also lose weight and how you are so much better than everyone. It’s awesome if you are happy and confident etc, but not everyone is you, and not everyone wants to listen to you crapping on about being the best there ever was just because you lost a bit of weight. And believe me, everyone around you probably feels pretty fucking smug when you gain it back! 3. Thin people that complain in front of fat people about how fat they are. What the fuck is the fat person supposed to say? For the record, this is a really rude thing to do. It’s like eating a roast chicken in front of a starving Ethiopian whilst complaining that it’s “slightly crisper than I’d prefer”.

This is our last chicken, you better not get it wrong.

5. People that think I am inhumane for not liking children. I have been told by people that I’m a horrible person for not wanting to be anywhere near children, and for not thinking that they are cute/precious/funny etc etc. I wish you people would grow the fuck up and realise that not everyone on this planet has the same preferences, and just let people have their own opinions on things. Would you like it if I followed you around while you were shopping, squealing and screeching in the background? Of course not. So why is it okay for children? I HATE EVERYONE.

Because children should harden the fuck up.

6. Girls/guys with no self-respect. As much as I hate the idea of self-help books, there is one entitled “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Read this please. Put it into practice. Don’t believe him/her if he treats you like crap and then apologises. That’s like eating someone’s Christmas chocolate and then apologising. The chocolate is gone, and an apology won’t bring it back. Plus, if the person who owned the chocolate let the person away with eating the chocolate, then of course they will probably do it again. Please understand the idea of CONSEQUENCES. If s/he treats you like shit, there must be CONSEQUENCES, otherwise s/he will do it all the time. Personally, if a guy/girl isn’t totally eager, I wouldn’t give them the time of day. The morning after I met my boyfriend Chris, he offered to drive me home 45 minutes if I bought him a $2 cheeseburger. He wasn’t in it for the cheeseburger, and that’s the kind of courting I like. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t take advantage of his kindness (well, I try not to), however there were no stupid games, he liked me and showed it and that was that. This isn’t rare. If someone actually likes you, they will make it known. So please for gods sake don’t make him/her a priority when you are halfway down a list of options to him/her.

To be fair, he probably did just really want the burger.

7. People that can’t hold their liquor. If you are a nightmare when drunk, then I will never want to drink with you. I don’t want to hear you tell your annoying deep and meaningful story about the “one that got away” six times. Can you just shut up, enjoy light and hilarious conversation with your friends and play some cards/pool/darts please. Also please don’t use me as some sort of physical support, though stout and round, I am actually not a lamppost. I want to drink in the company of co-ordination and smiles, not in the company of Stephenie Meyers biggest fan. Then, if you behave yourself, we can have LSD and watch the sunrise. Okay? Okay. Good.

If you aren't prepared to get rad, then turn around and go home right now.

8. People at parties that come across a guitar and loudly tell people they can play, and then they just play Deep Purple’s Smoke on the Water, on the top string only, while still misjudging the 6th note. I can’t even believe that there are still people that do this, but fuck you and you are probably also a Story Topper.

Bogans, we are very disappoint.

The rest of you, I absolutely love. So please don’t think that I’m mean!

Love, Chelle xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo

6 thoughts on “Hate Crimes

    • Thanks Jase! I tend to write my best when I’m all riled up about stuff, the words literally pour through my fingers and onto the keyboard like angry honey!!!!!

  1. Haha, I hate (they also make me lol, so “hate” is probably not the right word. XD) reading lists like this because I get to the end and think, “Well, shit, I’m 3 of 8, I should stop bugging her.”

    Also lists of illnesses. I HAVE ALL THE THINGS! D: Oh God!

    • Sophie I literally haven’t noticed any of these traits with you, if you do have them you keep them well-hidden!!!!!!
      So that makes you exempt from my hate 😛
      Hahaha yeah illness story toppers are perhaps the worst of them all hahaha. GRRRR

      • Haha awesome. XD Glad to hear it.

        I didn’t mean illness story toppers, I meant like… reading a list of common illnesses associated with “x” and their symptoms, and I’m in tears on the floor rocking back and forth by the time I’m finished, convinced I have autism, epilepsy and the bubonic plague. XD

        Hypochondria? That’s the word I was looking for. XD

      • ohhh haha oops, sorry! Don’t Google diagnose! Because if you do, everything is cancer or “TMJ”. Every ailment I ever get seems to lead to “TMJ”.

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