It’s been awhile since I’ve had a bit of a rant aye

Allow me to ramble on about the differences between Australia and New Zealand. And yes I can hear all you wankers saying “well if NZ is so great why don’t I move back there?” Well, I have answered that at the end of my rant. (Not that I have to answer shit to you anyway).

On Australia Day, it is considered normal to get hammered, desecrate the national flag by wearing it as a cape, pollute your country with broken glass and vomit, make loud obnoxious noise and get into fights. On Waitangi Day, it is considered normal to get hammered at a party where there will always be a slightly out of tune nylon-string guitar, which makes for some good kiwi singalongs including (but not limited to) Ten Guitars, Slipping Away and anything by Dave Dobbyn. You always pray that your friend will lay down a hangi but you always end up with Sizzlers and Watties sauce. You then forgive your friend cos after all, it’s not the alcohol talking but you really love him, bro!

Uncle Rangi rocks the party that rocks the party

Australians call it a “deli”, In NZ it’s called a “dairy”. Do you know what a deli even is, Australia? It’s a counter at the supermarket that specialises in smallgoods such as ham, cold chicken, chorizo, expensive cheese and olives. I can’t remember the last time I bought any of that at the corner shop. Mind you, in America it’s a “drugstore”. (I WISH!!)

Australian beer is uber expensive, which has led to the mass “Goon culture”. In New Zealand, beer is cheap and thus there is no need for “goon”. In New Zealand, Goon is called “cask wine” and only budget-conscious high consumers like my mother drink it (save money buying in bulk and all that). In Australia, a local beer goes for around $35-$40 per carton of 24. In NZ, the local is $25-30 per carton. Expensive beers like Stella in Aus go for about $60 a carton, whereas in NZ its around $35-$40.

"It has an robust bouquet"

In Australia, when people loiter around the city all day, they are generally homeless. In New Zealand, this just means they are underage mothers or skanks.

Schoolies – In Australia in the week after your final year of high school, kids go travelling far away from their parents to exotic places like Bali, Dunsborough and Rockingham to get wasted, fuck lots of randoms and experiment with drugs. In New Zealand, this happens between the ages of 14 and 16, so by the time the end of school rolls around its no biggie. You’ve already been clubbing to the Outback and KC’s on your fake ID and so you are above all of that nowadays. NZ does have “O Week” though – Orientation Week is the first week of uni whereby everyone gets wasted, fucks lots of randoms and experiments with drugs*. I guess you could say its the same as Schoolies, but about 3-4 months later, and “toolies” are the randoms that don’t study, yet still try and hang out with all the students.

Cheese slicers – What the fuck Australia? Why haven’t you figured out that there is a tool  available that evenly slices cheese yet?

Convenience – New Zealand has 24 hour supermarkets (and the supermarkets sell beer and wine), Australia has “some” 24 hour petrol stations, where they serve you through a window at the front and you can’t see the sandwich flavours at the back of the store and they get really shitty at you for asking them to check what flavours they have. Not my problem buddy, open the door and you won’t have to check, is all I’m saying.

Public fear is eminent in Australia. Many people I have met over here are really freaked out about weird things, the kind of things that they just don’t really give a shit about in New Zealand. Caught with half a hooter in NZ? Slap on the wrist, possible $150 fine. In Australia? I’m not sure, but the way people go on about it, it must be like, 25 to life in a Thai prison or something.

This is what happens to you when you blaze that shit up in Australia

The rudeness of the general public in Australia is 1000 times more widespread than in New Zealand. This was the hugest shock for me when I came over here. On the second day I was here, I was in a bank at lunch time/rush hour. The woman in front of me started absolutely losing her shit when she got to the teller because she had waited about 5 minutes in a queue – she had come at the busiest time of the day, what did she expect? I nearly socked her in the face for being such a cunt. People also yell at people over the phone about the most ridiculous things, I get that people can be upset but there is absolutely no need to speak to any human being in the manner that I have heard. If any of you reading this ever lose your shit at someone you don’t know that hasn’t personally done anything to harm you, take a second and think about what a dick you have been in the past and how much people hate your attitude. If you are polite, people will bend over backwards to help you. If you are a jerk, people will transfer your call around from department to department (it’s called handballing, by the way) and nobody will want to deal with you or help you. Repeat: BEING AN ASSHOLE DOES NOT GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT. I worked for the tax department in New Zealand and not once did I cop the abuse that I received daily at an internet company in Australia. And think how frustrating tax matters are!

Letters to the Editor are much juicier and more exciting to read in Australia, I gotta say. The West Australian has been printing Letters to the Editor in regards to gay marriage/religion controversies ever since I got here. There is always at least one every day, and many of them are religious nuts spouting bible verses whilst not offering any actual fact to support their whinge. I’ve been sorely tempted to write in myself and rant about how much people make dicks of themselves in Letters to the Editor.

The grass is different here. Grass hurts to sit on in Australia. It’s not soft and green, its yellowy and has weird big straw/reed things in it.

However on the flipside, Australians earn phenomenally more money than Kiwis, and pay less for their petrol, which doesn’t make sense really. In Australia I get over double working Mon-Fri in an office, than what I got in New Zealand working in a bar involving 14 hours shifts, nights and weekends, working on my feet. Hardly seems fair to the poor Kiwis, we have everything going for us except economy. If I could match my earnings and live comfortably on a wage in New Zealand, I would be there. Unfortunately once you have been earning better money its almost impossible to go back to such a small amount, when petrol costs more, and food and rent is about the same as in Australia.

*Marijuana only – there isn’t much else for the younguns in Dunedin

I feel so good after my rant now – thanks for letting me ease the tension,

Love Chelle xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoox

2 thoughts on “It’s been awhile since I’ve had a bit of a rant aye

  1. People don’t buy much petrol in NZ is why it’s its cheep like a budgie not far to drive anywhere , I paid 39.00 for a case of Stella two weeks ago BWS yippee … Keep up the good rants xxx

    • shot BWS … yussssssssssssss. Thats a good point, but is it really a case of supply/demand with the petrol back home? Not good when you are driving all over the sth island on holiday though aye 😦 And yes, I will keep up the rants, its what I’m best at, haha. Ranting and raving 😀

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