I should have been born a man. I’m much too lazy to be female, and I have trouble understanding/enjoying conversations about shoes, nails, babies and hairdressers. Everything about being female seems to involve so much pointless time, effort, money and shame. Maybe I feel this way because I’m not “girly”, “dainty” or “hot” and therefore do not have some ridiculous $500 a month beauty regime to maintain. Maybe I fall disturbingly short of feminine beauty/hygiene standards and don’t realise it, like that guy wearing a nylon shirt on the bus that doesn’t seem to understand the concept of “don’t wear your masty rag in public, leave it under your bed”.
What actually happens to you if you don’t get your “split ends” trimmed every 3 weeks, anyway? When I hear “split ends” I automatically think “Split Enz” because split ends is nothing to me but a mysterious ailment that I have never noticed on myself nor anybody else. Much like “large pores” …. I have never noticed the size of anybody’s pores in my life. What actually happens to you if you don’t get your nails manicured by someone other than your own teeth? Am I going to be dead by the age of 35 for not being a “real girl” ?
I have lived with guys a lot so to me, 5 minute showers, generic brand bodywash, 3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/step 3 (whatever that is) and carbs in my tummy are all perfectly normal and acceptable things. My friend Ellie baulked when I told her how I use 3 in 1 hair stuff, because she uses Kerastase shampoo at $200 a bottle. That got me thinking – is it okay that on average, I spend more money per annum on bic lighters ($130) than on shampoo, conditioner, “step 3” and bodywash combined ($108)? Surely if I was to be stuck on a desert island, a bic lighter would be more useful than a bottle of shampoo?
Back to the topic of Ellie, she has asked me repeatedly to write a blog about her, so this post can be dedicated in part to her. Ellie is probably the person that I feel the most ugly and unfeminine next to, what with her millions of 6 inch high shoes, expensive skin/hair care products, wardrobe bigger than my art room, “accessories”, false eyelashes, false hairpieces, false tan etc – but they say opposites attract so that is perhaps why we are friends!
I hope Ellie never sees my bathroom because it contains a 2 year old extra-large (30% extra free) can of cheap hairspray, some cotton tips (which the label explicitly warns you not to put in your ears, but I do it anyway until I get that tickly feeling that makes me cough), some face wipes (which I use more to clean oil paint off my hands than on my actual face) and the boys’ hair/shaving stuff. In fact, my male flatmates have more hair products than I do.
I actually have quite a few “accessories” and “jewellerys” however everytime I try to use/wear any of it, I feel ridiculous. I don’t know why, but everytime I wear earrings, I feel really stupid and think I look like a clown. I know it is stupid, but I just can’t really explain how out-of-sorts it makes me feel to “accessorise”. I honestly think that my knuckle tattoos are a fair substitute for rings. Rings over knuckle tattoos look strange – its way too “busy”, much like wearing a crocheted top over a t-shirt with a pattern. Even female watches creep me out, I hate those dainty little sparkly things, they look really stupid on someone like me, who is neither dainty nor sparkly myself. I like big silver linked mens watches that you can actually read the time from.
Other things that I don’t do: painted toenails, shoe shopping, brazilian waxes done by strangers at salons, foundation, blush, lipliner, lipstick (actually I did buy a lipstick this year and have worn it a couple of times), Tupperware parties, baking, going with groups of girls to see movies like Twilight and The Notebook, strapless dresses, “clutch” purses, the list goes on and on. I am like the most unfeminine, manly, monstrous girl and its kind of gross but I’m just too lazy to change. Perhaps when I “grow up” I will change, and get myself one of those big overnight makeup bags with the little mirrors on them, that I can fill with lotions and expensive potions.
Anyway, I am on holiday from work and so I am off to drink goon out of a large plastic cup now, in my pyjamas, last nights underwear and split, unwashed hair.
Lots of love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox