Today while furiously
masturbatingcleaning our house for a rental inspection, I realised something. I’m really good at doing things around the house half-assed but making them look good. I realise you probably think I’m a bit gross for not doing a proper clean every week like most people, but I live with 2 guys and we rent a shitty 70s house that always looks messy anyway. My last flat was the same, I used to do about 3-4 hours of proper cleaning a week only to have my flatmates mess it all up straight away. So to me there’s not much point in doing it properly all the time, when it’s just going to turn back to shit in a day or two.
Allow me to narrow down the house chores into things that most people hate to deal with: hard floors, bathrooms, kitchen and living areas. Forget bedrooms, just shove everything in a closet until you can be fucked dealing with it properly.
Hard floors are the easiest to fake: all you gotta do is vacuum (sweeping takes too long) and “mop”. “Mopping” is where you start at one end of the room with a new squeeze-out mop (the $15 ones. Did I mention the half-assed way is also the cheapest?) Take a bottle of spray and wipe, and get to work spraying the floor in front of you. Don’t spray too much or you’ll soak the mop. You just want to spray enough so that it dampens the floor and smells good. As you spray, start mopping it. Basically, its just like spraying and wiping a bench, but you’re doing it to the floor with a mop instead of a sponge. When the mop looks quite dirty, take off the sponge head and replace it. Continue. You’ll be done in about 15 mins, and then just don’t walk on the floor for 5-10 minutes. Not only does it look clean, it smells clean too. Yusssssssss.
Bathrooms: Ever watch people get out the Jif and break their faces scrubbing the bathroom surfaces and trying to wipe the dirt up, whilst just pushing around the same dust and dirt? I have devised a way around that old chestnut. TOILET PAPER!!!! (or paper towels, if you’re particularly rich and extravagant). Use the same spray stuff you used on your floor, and spray it all over the surfaces. Make sure you have a bucket or rubbish bin handy. Start in one corner and work your way through, using toilet paper to wipe sections of the surfaces. As the toilet paper grubs up, chuck it away and use more. This way you’re actually throwing out the grime rather than pushing it around with the same cloth. Also, you can use toilet paper to polish chrome taps etc. It’s way sturdier than you’d think. Don’t forget to use wet toilet paper on the mirror, followed by dry toilet paper. When you’re done you’ll have about half a roll of used toilet paper in a bucket – but it saves so much trouble.
Kitchens: Basically do your dishes and wipe down the surfaces with the damp teatowel that you have just dried your dishes with. Do it in this order: bench where dishes drained, surrounding bench area, oven surface. Then throw the teatowel in the laundry like the dirty whore it is.
Living Areas: Take everything off the floor and stack it on a surface in size order so it looks neat. Vacuum. Take anything that doesn’t stack with the other stuff and chuck it in a hallway linen closet or wherever until you can be fucked dealing with it properly.
And there you have it! Done in a correctly efficient yet lazy fashion, this should take about 30 minutes to an hour for one person doing one house. And you will always pass your rental inspection.
“Thank you Chelle”