Cosmopolitan? More like, SHITmopolitan.

I used to buy Cosmopolitan magazines all the time, until I realised how crap they actually are. Every month is the exact same ol bullshit.  And I don’t really feel like Cosmo “speaks” to me. Why? Because I don’t seem to fit their strange ideas of what a normal womans life is actually like. Here are some misconceptions that I always find really annoying:

1. All women work in an office in an extremely important, high paying job, where their promotions are determined by how good their nails are; (“Keep a nail file at your desk so you can run to the bathroom to do a touch-up if your digits are looking less than awesome, and apply a subtle polish or clear coat the night before a big meeting”) and how effortless their tan is (“basically, a lot of bosses think that if you’re working so hard to maintain a year-round tan, you’re probably not working as hard as you could at your actual job.”) So …. are we supposed to …. work hard on our appearance, but ….. not look as though we have worked hard on our appearance? Oh, yeah I forgot. Women owe it to society to be ornamental.

2. All women have an office arch enemy/frenemy at aforementioned glossy important job that is up in our grill all the time. In “How to Deal with a Bitchy Coworker”, you will learn how to thwart her evil plans, such as “She trashes your idea in front of your boss”, “She doesn’t pull her weight on a joint project and expects you to do everything”, and that old chestnut, “She takes credit for your idea in a meeting”. Sure. Because when you work in a call centre, a pub, or a retail store like more than half of all women, there’s always someone out to steal your ideas, and there’s always a boss that actually cares what your ideas are.

"Pull your weight on this project or I'll cut you" .. ?

3. At said office job you can expect to get a bikini body in just 2 minutes – yes, that’s right, just 2 minutes. “Burn Calories at Your Desk – You can get a full body workout in two minutes flat—without leaving your office or cube!” is a great article that suggests that it’s not weird at all to lug a swiss ball to work on a packed train at 8am, or to do lunges and squats in front of your co-workers, when you should be working. Pencil skirts and lack of shame were simply made for these workouts.

4. We wear sexy lacy undies that match our sexy lacy bras (not me, I buy 4-packs of cotton Rios from the supermarket, shhhh)

What's under my kilt? Oh, just these bad boys. No biggie.

5. Women are always looking for the next big way to please our man so that he doesn’t leave us. Oh look, here’s a great technique that everyone can enjoy!

“Even a plain scarf can make him see stars if you use the right technique. Take a long silk wrap, place it around his main man and the boys, and tie it in a large square knot, leaving about a foot of fabric on either end to hold on to. As you’re riding him, pull on the free ends so that the knot rubs against your clitoris.”

I’m not entirely sure I even understand what is happening here. Are we supposed to …. strangle his dick …… with …. a scarf? Yanking the ends tighter and tighter while we get ourselves off by rubbing up on a …. square knot? er ….. this is pretty much a variation on the six second squeeze. You know what the six second squeeze is, don’t you?

Now I'm no physics expert here, but ........

6. All women want to be dating stupid assholes that are obsessed with the AFL and treat us like objects that exist only for their pleasure. Check out this amazing guide for how you can be the AWESOMEST CHICK EVERRRRRRRRRRRR!

His Halftime Fantasy: “That she’ll sit next to me in a jersey and matching panties.”

Your Game Plan: Forget the cheerleaders and put on your own damn show!

His Halftime Fantasy: “That she’ll grab some snacks for us wearing nothing but her underwear.”

Your Game Plan: Throw together one of these guy-friendly favorites to have him eating out of the palm of your hand (in more ways than one).

His Halftime Fantasy: “That she’ll get a little rough with me—I won’t penalize her!”

Your Game Plan: You can try these naughty positions right there in the living room. The rush of the winding-down play clock makes the action ultra intense.

So Cosmo is supposed to empower women, yet they are telling us that we should sit around watching the footy with the pathetic little boy that we should be dating (if he has those fugly hip ridges then he is a real catch), only to provide service of the sexual and refreshment kind? Fuck that. I’ve got better shit to do, thanks. He can order a pizza and jerk off to the half time cheerleaders instead.

You can fuck right off if you think I'm going to be touching those scary indents. Where is your tummy? What the fuck is wrong with you? Eat a steak.

7. Cosmo thinks that we actually give a shit about what colour is in. Past age 21, women know what colours work for them and what don’t. Cosmo: “Are you psyched hot pink is coming back next season?” Me: “Fuck no. It makes me look like ‘Fat Chav Barbie’. I’ll stick to blacks and grays, thanks.” A truly classy woman knows what looks good and what doesn’t, without Cosmo screaming into her ear that she should be wearing hot pink because that’s the colour of the nail polish that was used in Marc Jacobs latest show.

8. That women need to do a quiz for every question of life. More specifically a quiz where the answers are worth different amounts of points but its so obvious which answers are worth which amount of points that most people cheat anyway to gain the answer they want. The quizzes are pretty fucking hilarious:

Are You Way Too Good for Him? Probably not, if you’re doing this quiz.
Are You Good-Girl Hot or Bad-Girl Hot? How about shut the fuck up? Did it ever occur to you that some women care about more important things than if they are stereotypically “hot”? Congratulations for further marginalising the already destitute self image of women, you glossy, advertisement-filled faggot.
Is Your BFF Really on Your Side? More like, are you really on hers? Taking this quiz suggests you’re a shit friend that has no faith in your mates.
How Exciting Are You? I’m so exciting I read about the same “sex techniques” every month but have never tried any of them.
Are You Good in Bed? Probably not, if I’m taking your advice and strangling mens dicks with a square knotted scarf.
Are You TMI All the Time? I just had to include this one for the poor grammar of the quiz title, haha.
Do Guys Think You’re Sexy? I bet what guys find incredibly sexy, is a girl that knows that guys find her sexy because a quiz told her so.

Definitely "Bad-Girl Hot".

Anyway, I’d better go because Chris is nearly home and I want to make him AFL snacks to eat while I strangle his dick with a scarf, but leaving myself enough time to do my nails hot pink for that big meeting tomorrow and finding out whether I am “good-girl hot” or “bad-girl hot” (it’s extremely important that I find out).

Love, Chelle xoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo


6 thoughts on “Cosmopolitan? More like, SHITmopolitan.

  1. “…and I want to make him AFL snacks to eat while I strangle his dick with a scarf.”

    Fuck, I love you. Passionate, brainy goddess!

    Check out the dude’s gut vein. If I can see your GUT VEINS, you better walk the fuck on, son!

    • Sadly for Chris, there were no AFL snacks, nor was there any scarf fun’ I fell asleep before he got home (fuck I’m a catch)
      and…. GUT VEIN ….. I know, HOW GROSS. It’d be like cuddling up to a piece of chicken gristle.
      “walk the fuck on, son” ???
      You’re brilliant.

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