You Know You’re a Kiwi When ………..

I found this group on Facebook entitled “You know You’re From New Zealand When….” and had a bit of a cry and laugh reading through people’s comments. There were many comments that just weren’t very witty or well-written, such as “you know your from new zealand when you see drunk teenagers everywhere because thats just the way it should be” – Hayden Walker; so I thought I would make a post dedicated to the cause which hopefully will sound well-written and witty. So it’s time to batton down the hatches and hold onto your hats, gang – as I reveal what it means to have grown up in New Zealand.

You know you’re a kiwi when…….

You used to try hard out to get through to What Now? but never could, and were pissed off because you knew it was because you were from Dunedin, and all the kids that won the backpacks, Lion King prize packs and bike helmets were from “Porirua”, “Lower Hutt” and “Auckland”. It further rubbed salt in the wound when you were frantically trying to get through and could see some of the phone operators not being on the phone!

You, or a kid you know, has had a raspberry coke and a packet of ready salted chips in the car outside a pub with pokies or a TAB.

You’ve stayed overnight in a classroom at school that has been “blessed” as a temporary Marae for the weekend, and then on Monday its just plain old Room 9 again.

You don’t know the reasons behind how or why, but you do know for sure that Dr. Ropata is not in Guatemala anymore.

Your Dad’s community service for drink-driving involved helping out your primary school fair in some way.

Your friends parents had the keys to the “solar heated” school pool so you would use it over the summer, and it was fucking freezing, but you said you loved it anyway so your parents would let you go, and you would smoke durries behind the building.

You have had an oven with a ringed element on it, perfect for weaving the spotting knives through.

And you knew to keep the spottle in the freezer.

You had a Swanndri that your parents made you wear in the winter as a child, but didn’t realise how cool it was until you were a uni student and could not afford another Swannie.

You have participated in a Gumboot Toss and know all the words to the Fred Dagg song.

…. and the Aussies reading this thought I was making it up ….. heh heh.

Wearing a tie as part of your high school uniform was not in any way strange, especially if you were a girl.

You’ve been on a school camp where the main attraction was a “confidence course”.

You were envious of the Home and Away kids at Summer Bay High on TV, because they wore dresses to school and although you outwardly agreed with your friends that they were ugly, you desperately wanted one because they actually looked really cool and you knew that if you had one, you would be just like Brodie, Hayley or Gyspy. When your high school decided to get a summer uniform (for when it was over 17 degrees), you voted on the “Summer Bay dress” style and was secretly bummed out that it ended up being a checkered shirt with a navy box pleated skirt, although you lied to your friends about what you voted for and pretended to be stoked about the chosen uniform.

Who WOULDN”T want this?

You thought of the old guys in the Mainland ads as “adopted grandfathers” in a way, and a kid at your school claimed that “their cousin knew the people who owned the Spot dog from the Telecom ads”. Furthermore, the kids at your school used to lie about shit and then say that “their cousin” knew the famous person in question etc. and as it was “their cousin”, you could never confirm the story with said cousin – and calling bullshit would be responded with “call my uncle then if you don’t believe me”, at which point you decided to give it up as it was not worth arguing. Particularly if the kid you were arguing with had more label clothes than you, because that’s who everyone would side with in the end.

You used to get pleasure out of yelling out Maori place names with the “whak” sound in them, so you could legitimately drop the F bomb as a kid and not get told off by parents or teachers. ie “WHAKatane must be a nice city, aye Mr. Fitzwilliam!”

You used to play on your rollerblades “at the school” after school and on weekends, because of the nice smooth tennis courts.

You couldn’t get away with eating Raro straight from the packet because it would turn your fingers orange and your parents would know. Smart kids used spoons.

You also knew that Raro was the key to making wicked sherbert for the school fair.

You desperately wanted to be on “McDonald’s Young Entertainers” and had dreams of yourself being awarded first prize by Jason Gunn, and performing with Drew Neemia and Ainslie Allen.

You loved Christmas time because at primary school it meant spending the last month of school fucking around making Christmas decorations with coloured paper and glitter, and singing carols with the rest of the school.

In high school, you and your friends had a designated public spot where you would go to drink if there were no house parties on, and you would drink cheap spirits ($10- 15 a bottle), or those plastic riggers of “Wildfire” vodka mixes. You also knew what a rigger, or a flagon was. Our designated drinking spot was Woodhaugh Gardens, which also had public toilets. Win!

I won’t name any full names, but me, Heidi E. and Nina S. used to throw up near these swings fortnightly.

You could camp anywhere for free, and many golf courses had a “Green Fees $10 Honesty Box” and to be honest, you still only paid $5 each. Cheap bastards.

You had a pet caterpillar in an icecream container with leaves and dirt in it, and holes in the lid. Said caterpillar never lasted longer than a few days.

Your wardrobe contained: NBA merchandise, jandals, a swannie, nylon trackpants, a polarfleece, gumboots, heaps of scarves, beanies and gloves, bottle green jeans, a denim shirt and black bootleg pants, and a pair of adidas rip-offs/dome pants. And you were quite possibly the most stylish kid at school.

Messing with someone wearing these was the same as messing with Limp Bizkit. You just didn’t do it.

You and your mates used to try on your parents whitebaiting waders because it was a little bit glamorous. Years later, Prada featured them in their Autumn/Winter show, and you smugly felt that you had been “ahead of the trend”. Considered asking Prada for a finding fee.

They looked better on me, though.

You got a bit excited about the Christmas/New Years races, rodeos and the A&P show.

You have called someone a “huckery mole”.

When a sausage fell off the barbie, your Dad calmly returned it to the barbie telling you that “dirt gives it flavour”.

You thought that the Kiwi and the Cat really did live on top of a television tower, and you swore black and blue to your friends that “Jason and Thingee were gay together” (you probably used your “cousin” to back that one up too, amirite?)

Sweet denim vest, bro.

And you knew a family EXACTLY LIKE THE WESTS!

In case you guys couldn’t tell, I’m pretty proud to be a New Zealander. It’s time to bring home the World Cup this year!

Love, Chelle xoxoxoxooxoxoxox

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10 thoughts on “You Know You’re a Kiwi When ………..

  1. I totally “LOL’ed” at this. It was so me! Also wasn’t Mr Fitzwilliam our Std 2 teacher that died like a week after I started school? Or was that a different teacher? I remember someone telling me that he died because he didn’t like me. He was cool.

    • No, Mr. Jaquiery was the one that passed away, sadly – he was a total sweetheart. He used to bring his guitar in and we would sing on the mat, what a cool dude!

    • haha thanks!!!! I think my biggest problem as a kid was calling What Now. I used to call up before the show even started, just so that it was all ready to go on “redial” …. and it used to piss me off so bad when you were calling and you couldn’t get through, even though you could see that some of the “phone people” weren’t even on a call!!!! DAMN YOU WHAT NOW!!!

      • yess!!! haha, I remember calling and this really stern recorded voice message guy was like, “your call cannot be connected because of overloading” and I always felt like I was being told off, lol

      • Bahahhaahahah!!! “your call cannot be connected because of overloading, please try again later” ahahah I had totally forgotten about that, and yeah that dude was hell stern!!! Aw living the dream NZ. I got my new passport delivered today (had lost my old one) and the new ones are black with metallic silver details on them, I was well impressed! Do you also remember “lolly scrambles” ? I am going to dedicate a post solely to lolly scrambles one day soon 😀

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