Judging A Book By Its Cover

I am the most shallow person around, and I am completely guilty of being a judgmental bitch that stereotypes and pigeonholes people. Hey, the first step is acceptance. It’s quite a sin for someone such as I, who is not an oil painting so much as a 2 year olds finger painting, to be judging things at face value. So I thought that a good therapeutical exercise on my road to recovery would be to publicly judge books by their covers.

I shall now give you my interpretations of various Sweet Valley High books, based on their covers and titles. You might need to double click on the pictures to see them in full size, because the captions on the covers are important. It is also important to know that the Dairi Burger is the local haunt of the Sweet Valley High crowd.

I think its safe to say her barrette has helped her through some tough times. 

It is spring in 1938, and Anschluss is upon Austria. Sweet Valley, a quiet and scenic town on the coast of Austria (please forget for a moment that Austria is landlocked) has been rocked by this political upheaval. Amongst the social disquiet, Elizabeth Wakefield is coming to terms with her own personal Anschluss of the heart. She dearly loves Todd Wilkins, a brunette shoe maker, but when he does not come to church one week, Elizabeth is heart broken and questions whether Todds loyalties lie with her, or to the black market, which is how he is staying wealthy while the Austrian Schilling loses its value against the mighty German D-Mark. Elizabeth is crying in church one day, when a pale hand offers her a hankerchief. The hand belongs to Fritz Fritzl, the son of a prominent SS officer who is now residing in Sweet Valley. As Elizabeth takes the hankerchief, their eyes lock and although Elizabeths heart lies with her Austria, strange new feelings awaken in her, as she falls for Fritz. But who is Elizabeths true love?

In the movie adaptation, she would be played by Christina Ricci.

Regina Morrow is a pretty brunette who has recently moved to Sweet Valley. Her past remains a mystery to everyone, and she is a secretive loner. Nobody knows where she lives or who her parents are, and rumours fly. But none of this matters to Regina. The real reason she moved to Sweet Valley was for Bruce Patman, the boy she fell in love with after he was in a tennis polo shirt commerical two years earlier. Regina is determined to make Bruce notice her, to make him realise that they belong together. She lingers after class to collect stray threads from his clothes, and stores them in tiny ornate jars marked “Bruce” in a footlocker under a loose floorboard in her bedroom. Regina will stop at nothing to get to Bruce, and the last obstacle in her way is his family, who she must silence forever in order to make Bruce see that he needs her. But one wrong step and Reginas plan could all go wrong. Is it all over between Regina and Bruce?

That roll neck sweater is too good to be true.

Suzanne Devlin arrives in Sweet Valley from New York to stay with the Wakefields on a school exchange, and instantly wins everybody over with her good looks and effortless New York nonchalance. In fact, she seems too good……. to be true. Elizabeth is the only person that sees through Suzanne’s exterior, to the deception beneath. Unfortunately, Jessica is in New York with Suzanne’s family and so it is up to Elizabeth alone to uncover what Suzanne is hiding. In the morning before school one day, Elizabeth looks on disapprovingly as Suzanne primps and preens herself in the mirror, until she suddenly realises that Suzanne’s skin seems much too pliable to be real skin. In fact, she is tugging it and pulling it around her face like an ill-fitting jumper! Horrified, Elizabeth continues to monitor Suzanne’s weird behaviour and gets much more than she bargained for. Suzanne is actually an elderly man in disguise! But how will anyone believe Elizabeth when they are all so bedazzled by Suzanne? Elizabeth must make everybody see Suzanne for what she is – not as perfect as she seems.

Man with mo + minor = cliche.

When famous Freddie Mercury impersonator Frank Silver comes to town, Jessica is ecstatic with excitement. She has been a huge fan for ages, and dreams of taking Frank to the Dairi Burger and being the envy of all the other girls at school. Frank is shooting the video for his new single “All Night Long”, a tribute to the late Freddie Mercury, and they are calling for extras over the age of 18 to appear in the video! Jessica is desperate to be in the music video, and wears her best red string halter-neck top to impress Frank and the casting director. She does her makeup to make herself look older, as she is only 16, and manages to fool the director. In fact, she impresses Frank and the crew so much that she is cast as Franks love interest in the music video! As Frank starts flirting with Jessica more and more, the question lingers on everybody’s lips – is Jessica as grown-up as she thinks she is?

yes, share their story – while they share your dick.

Obviously, this is a porno about hot blonde twins.

Deirdre from Coronation Street called, she wants her glasses back.

Lynne Henry has never been friendly with most of the kids at Sweet Valley High. She is the anonymous author of a blog called “Alone In The Crowd”, across which she paints her thoughts on indie music, irony and oversized novelty t-shirts from the 90s. Not many people at Sweet Valley have even heard of it, and those that have, don’t really understand the references anyway. Lynne is quite happy being different, until she realises that being an individual is the new mainstream, and thus she decides to become mainstream ironically. However, after so many years of anonymously trolling forums and hiding in the shadows at low key gigs of bands before they were famous, Lynne realises that she doesn’t have any social skills. She enlists the help of Sweet Valley High’s resident diplomat and all-around nice girl Elizabeth Wakefield to turn her into a “normal” Sweet Valley student. But what will happen if the plan doesn’t work? Can Elizabeth help Lynne overcome her shyness?

HONORABLE MENTIONS: 

No, they’re heading for the Dairi Burger, without helmets. (Duh)

They don’t even look like twins here, lmao.

Well, its definitely a woman, judging by that outfit and scowl.

Have a good weekend everybody!

XOXO, Gossip Girl

Love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox

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