For a so-called “intelligent” youngster, I had some of the stupidest ideas ingrained into me, and to this day I am still finding out that some of them are untrue. Here are a few that I can think of off the top of my head:
– Chewing gum would stick to my ribs if I swallowed it. WHAAAAAT!? My mother told me this after she saw me swallow gum once in my dancing class (Who chews gum when they are at the barre anyway? Me, that’s who, motherfucker!) I don’t think I realised that this wouldn’t happen until I was at least ten years old. Which meant that for the first ten years of my life, I evidently had no idea about the digestive system and the fact that food didn’t just fall through our bodies and out the other end. So while my mother thought she was teaching her daughter to be a sensible person, she also made me a little dumber in doing so.
– That the Von Trapp family get taken to a concentration camp in The Sound of Music. WHAAAAT!? Where the fuck did I get this idea? Was it because I always fell asleep as they were hiding from the Nazis in the abbey, and never saw the ending?? Was my pre-teen mind confusing the Von Trapps with Anne Frank? I watched The Sound of Music last night properly as an adult for the first time and was ecstatic to see that not only did the Von Trapps successfully escape into neutral Switzerland by casually walking (with 7 children) over the fucking mountain, but that the abbey nuns had also disabled the Nazis car engines to allow the family a head-start. I thought that this was very cool of them.
– Many a song lyric in my mind was incorrect, and god help anybody that tried to tell me the real lyrics. It wasn’t until I became Google-savvy that I finally learned that “Lady in red come back” was actually “Little Red Corvette”- WHAAAAAT!?? and “Don’t stop thinking about the prom, no” was actually “Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”. I could add plenty more in here, but I think we all know where this is going: I was a bit stupid and a little deaf.
– I thought that if I ate raw 2 minute noodles without cooking them first, they would expand inside me and I would die. WHAAAAT??! Still unsure about this one, I suppose it could be true but it sounds a little naive and I haven’t heard any stories about kids dying of it, so I guess it was just more Young Michelle Bullshit.
– In the fruit and meat and veg section of the supermarket there would be a mirror around eye level slanted down towards the food. I used to think that there was a fantastic magical world behind this mirror, and would wistfully dream that I could someday be permitted to go there. When I was a little older, I thought that it must be a 2-way mirror, and that store detectives were waiting behind them, watching to see if anybody would steal the fruit. Now I think that it’s probably a marketing ploy to make the food choice look more expansive and colourful. Maybe in a few years time I will have come up with another mirror story. To be honest, I’m really still not sure what that mirror is there for and if somebody could enlighten me I would be quite grateful.
– I was paranoid about the possibility of reincarnation and therefore refused to get undressed in my bedroom if my old cat was in there, lest he watch me. I was positive that Boswell was a dirty old bastard. Nowadays I realise that if reincarnation was happening to the extent that my cat would be enjoying watching me undress, we would know about it because animals would be communicating with us all the time and not just watching us get naked.
So those are some of the things that would inhabit my crazy young mind on a day to day basis. That is how my genius began, and hopefully how it will end someday when I’m senile and once again yearning for the magic world behind the mirror at the supermarket.
Love, Chelle xoxoxooxoxoxoxo