Good afternoon chums and may I just say how wonderful it is to greet you all again. It has been awhile since I wrote any humourous posts and I don’t want you to lose faith in me. So what is a girl to do when stuck for subject matter? Hit up Gumtree, of course! Last nights frugal rummaging left me with not just one, but three fantastic advertisements. Honestly, I don’t even have to work for it – people are GIVING away their dignity!!! Just for fun, today I am also going to point out errors in the ads. Because you know I always go the extra mile.

To be fair to the original posters, I have used my mighty MS Paint skills to block out any personal information such as location and phone numbers. One thing I was unable to block out though, is stupidity.

Let us examine Exhibit A:

Translation: I will let any scumbag with a "tattoo gun" shred up my "sking".

The advertiser is asking for anyone with a tattoo machine to practice tattooing on their “sking”. However, they imply that remuneration will be discussed if you have some experience. In my opinion, there is a sucker born every minute. The replies to this ad will be from either a) people that have those Hong Kong bullshit kits from eBay and want to have a hoon, b) people that have those Hong Kong bullshit kits from eBay and a portfolio of other artists tattoos to show “experience” to get paid, or c) a sarcastic bitch like me that will assume a false name and do a really poor job just to teach them a lesson. I sure hope someone from column “c” gets the gig. If it were me, I would give them portraits of Barbra Streisand, SuBo and Justin Bieber all over their arms, with a few racial slurs thrown in for good measure.

Errors include: No capital letters at the start of sentences, for the pronoun “I”, or the word “I’ll”. Words spelt wrong: “no” (know), “aswell” (as well) and “sking” (skin). However, many props to the OP for the correct use and spelling of the word “practice” – not just once, but twice. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across that little gem! I rate this ad 5 out of 10 for spelling and grammar, and 9 out of 10 for stupidity. Sounds to me like they just want to have full sleeves on the cheap, and don’t really care about decent work.

Onwards to Exhibit B:

Quickly, before the best years of my life have passed me by!

In terms of spelling and grammar, this ad isn’t actually too bad. The desperation, however, jumped right off the screen and down my throat, flooding me with a sense of urgency that I cannot shake. This person needs a tattoo, stat! Thankfully, they are a bit more selective than the first advertiser, as they request that the applicant “MUST know how to do shading etc” (that counts Darren out, then).  Being that it will “probably take three hours”, I’m going to right ahead and guess that they want one of the following: a totally sweet tribal shoulder to bicep piece, a huge word in old english script across the shoulders, or a large full body southern cross (placing large stars on: the neck, left shoulder, right inner forearm, left hip and right kneecap). I rate this ad 8.5 out of 10 for spelling and grammar, 8 out of 10 for stupidity, but 11 out of 10 for conveyance of urgency.

Lastly – my favourite ad of all, Exhibit C:

But without transport, how would they get to their wedding?

This ad is the best! I can’t even be bothered listing all of the spelling and grammar errors, so I will just point out that there are no fullstops. I am intrigued as to whether the poster is a man or woman, although I have a feeling it is a man – not due to the errors, but just the way the whole ad is worded. What bewilders me is that it would be easier to get a taxi or public transport to your nearest tattoo studio, than trying to find a tattoo artist through Gumtree to come to your house. No doubt the reason for this is that he wants to pay with something other than cash – perhaps an hour with his wife, or a bag of 2 month old cabbage and some dodgy speed? Another reason could be that a lot of tattoo artists won’t do fingers due to the fact that they just don’t sit as well, but it all depends on whether he wants it on the top of his finger or the underside. I remember when Scary Spice and her husband got celtic band wedding rings tattooed on – I thought it was tacky even then, and thats saying a lot, as I kicked around in silver platform sneakers as a tribute to Baby Spice at the time. I also used to give myself a sweet vivid marker celtic armband because I wanted to be Sporty Spice.

I would have given anything to look like the chav on the right. Suddenly I feel so sad for my 13 year old self.

Going back to the original topic before I went off ‘Spicing up my life’, I rate the third ad 1 out of 10 for spelling and grammar, and 10 out of 10 for stupidity. Huzzah Gumtree fun!!

Love, Chelle xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox


  1. I wanted to be Scary Spice, until I realized that race might be a problem. I eventually settled for Ginger Spice. I didn’t even know enough to choose a “cool” Spice Girl.

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