Embarrassing things about myself that I shouldn’t admit but I feel will help people not think I’m a pretentious bitch

I downloaded the Spice Girls discography… about 17 minutes ago. I’m listening to it now. And I remember ALL of the words. On another Spice Girls related note, I also still remember all of their chorus dances. I might just get up and do them too, while nobody else is home.

I take heaps of pictures of myself using 2 mirrors to try and make my face look as thin as possible (thats why my Facebook profile pic album has about 3 million pics in it). I honestly don’t know who the hell I think I’m fooling, its no secret that I’m rotund!!!

Prime example.

I’m not above letting a guy think I’m single in order to keep getting free drinks. In my opinion, guys shouldn’t be so idiotic as to buy girls drinks in the hopes they will sleep with them. If I were a guy, I would only date girls who refused to let me buy them a drink, or who took the drink but insisted on getting the next round. But again, I’m not going to turn down free drinks.

I once hooked up with a guy that I believed was an adventurous pilot just because he told me was a pilot and showed me his copy of Top Gun to prove it.

I still like to sleep with a night light and I make my boyfriend tuck me in using the “cocoon technique”, if he is staying up later than me.

I still don’t really know how to use Google, with quotation marks and stuff. I just type in what I want to know, exactly as I am asking it in my head ie ‘Where can I buy crack in Perth?’ and 8 times out of ten I get the answer I’m looking for, so I’ve never bothered learning how to use the search function correctly.

You can probably pick up a pair at the same place where you sold your dignity.

One time at uni, I walked into the wrong lecture and even though I didn’t recognise any of my classmates or the lecturer, I didn’t suspect anything was amiss. I didn’t realise it was political studies instead of history until the lecture title was displayed on the screen, and by then I was too settled and lazy to get up and leave – so I just took political studies notes and joined in on the fun.

I used to bum out my friend next door Alysia for having wall-to-wall Hanson posters, but I had every Leonardo di Caprio and Spice Girls poster that TV Hits had to offer.

At least my posters were good for a masty.

My friend Heidi and I used to walk around Dunedin after school speaking basic conversational French, in the hopes that people would think we were awesome. We still are awesome, for the record.

I had a pink denim jacket from age 10 to age 22. I was saving it for a special occasion that never presented itself.

I spent ages online looking for clues to finding the holy grail. Last year. Reading fiction books makes me excited sometimes.

I wanted to find it before that Harris tweed loving square and that Amelie bitch.

When I was 6, I took a piss behind the bike sheds at primary school at lunchtime. I honestly don’t know why I did it because I knew exactly where the toilets were. What a filthy fucking kid. At age 5, I also loudly told the neighbour after a bath that my “bagina went down the plughole”. Whatever that means. Everything seems to be intact and present now, though. I also told the same neighbour that 75-year-old Mrs. McDowell next door was “sexing the painter” – because I obviously had all the hot goss.

Although I “play the guitar”, I seriously can only play like 8 songs from start to finish without having to consult tabs, most of which are boring girly high pitched songs that nobody wants to hear. Which makes it really awkward when I’m at a party and people thrust a guitar into my hands and tell me to play. I bet people get really sick of hearing me play Sublime’s “What I Got”, haha.

"Shut the fuck up, you're turning people against us"

I can’t really think of any other inconvenient truths about myself, but I’m sure there are plenty out there.

Love, Chelle xoxoxoxooxoxox

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3 thoughts on “Embarrassing things about myself that I shouldn’t admit but I feel will help people not think I’m a pretentious bitch

  1. I dont normaly reply but i thought i would stick up for your musical honor, ill never forget the night you serenaded me 🙂
    singing my fave song, Do you remember that magical evening or do i have to remind you

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