How to not be a dick in a couple of situations you will eventually encounter.

How To Not Be A Dick……………

…….At A Job Interview.

When they ask you to outline your weaknesses, DON’T FUCKING TELL THEM YOU’RE A PERFECTIONIST!!!! Did you really think that a company would be interested in someone that spouts off insincere idioms from the early 90’s? Even if you ARE a perfectionist, it does not mean that an employer will be overjoyed to have you on board. Spending 10 minutes fussing over whether to make your client’s invoice page Times New Roman 10pt, or NewCenturySchlbk-Roman 9pt. is really just spending MORE OF YOUR EMPLOYERS MONEY. And for the record, Times New Roman 12pt. is best.

Just tell them an actual weakness. For gods sake they would rather have an honest employee than a liar! Example: When I interviewed with a national insurance firm last year, my answer to The Question was “I tend to get unmotivated if my working environment is lacking in management and team support or enthusiasm”

In other words, I EXPECT CAKE DAY WITH MORGAN FREEMAN AT LEAST THRICE FORTNIGHTLY!

My answer could have been taken as “I need to be constantly supervised and given a pat on the back every time I successfully print something from MSWord”… but they didn’t. And I’m sure it was because of my engaging, sincere disposition. Or my strategically placed black bra under white shirt, which I then soaked with the interviewers water jug.

Bottom line is, they offered me the job before anyone else, and it was all because I didn’t tell them I was a perfectionist.

…….When You Get A Casual TXT From An Unfamiliar Number

If you reply “who is this”/”wh th1z?”/wt? etc then you may really embarrass someone or hurt their feelings. There are 2 really non-dick ways to get around this. The first involves waiting awhile, and it is this: A few hours after the received message, put your mobile Caller ID on “private” and then call the number. If you’re lucky, it will go through to a personal voicemail service whereby the Phantom will reveal him/herself, and then you can decide what to do with this information forthwith.

I knew it was you, Billy Zane.

The second method involves a small amount of patience on your part, yet can prove most rewarding! Just ask questions!! Your first texted reply should be “hi! what have you been up to?” to which they will hopefully drop a familiar name/activity to give away their mysterious identity. If the first question fails, ask this: “What are your plans for the weekend?” and this should most certainly give it away. Not only will you have solved the mystery gracefully, but you will look like a super good friend/acquaintance. If its a random that you met 2 years ago at a party, its a booty call. Stop replying immediately.

(……… or keep texting?? winkwinknudgenudge)

…….On Facebook.

If  you and your on-again, off-again partner are fighting, you must never post passive-aggressive posts directed at said person on Facebook. An example of a post like this is “dick123 is over this, I thought my 30’s were for LIVING, not wasting time with assholes”

"GREAT. Now she's going to go on her facebook and indirectly tell all her skanky friends that she is so mad at me for not being able to read her uptight, retarded mind".

Now listen up here, you young whippersnapper you. Three things can happen when you do this: 1. Nobody takes your relationship or feelings seriously; 2. People discover the “Hide All Posts By dick123” button; 3. People may think that you are an attention seeking douchebag and get sick of your shit real fast. Ever heard of the boy who cried “rape”? It was in prison, so it was real but the guards turned a blind eye. I’m just trying to raise awareness, you guys. And on a matter completely unrelated to Facebook ……. Copy and paste this into your status if you think rapists in prison deserve to have their sentences doubled  ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <3……………

……But what about the woman who wanted attention and sympathy and told everyone on Facebook that she was all sad and angry at her husband, about a million times until everyone thought she was a joke and deleted her as a friend? Not just on Facebook, but in real life. You heard it here first. Just don’t let it be you.

…….On An Aeroplane

You must follow my 2 simple and easy rules……..

1. If you are forced to sit next to a stranger due to crowding/allocated seating etc and there is any possibility at all of moving to an empty space, TAKE IT IMMEDIATELY. ESPECIALLY if you are on the aisle seat, as the helpless person in the window/middle seat doesn’t want to have to struggle with figuring out how best to advise you to go the fuck away. If you like your personal space and are flying with the option of choosing your seat before take-off, choose an aisle seat about 2-4 rows from the back of the plane. Unless the flight is completely full, you will have all three seats to yourself! The reason for this is that a flight usually gets auto-booked from the front of the plane to the back and many people travel in pairs, so the check-in staff are not going to put a couple in the middle and window seats right next to you unless they are the last two seats on the plane. Also, the online seating assignment always seems to recommend the front of the plane as being “better seats”, so nobody really wants a seat near the back anyway. There are too many people that are worried shitless about not getting off the plane immediately when it has finished landing.

Can I get a witness? (hell yeah.)

2. Don’t talk to anyone unless they initiate conversation, and if you don’t want to talk, then politely and quickly smile gently, put on an eye mask and go to sleep. Or pretend to.  If you just don’t want interaction period, then wear headphones! It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually have an mp3 player, just tuck the cord down your shirt or wherever and people will just assume that it leads to a device. Bobbing your head in time to the nothing from time to time can only give strength to your masterpiece of deceit. Whatever you do, just don’t be that lady who jibber-jabbers on to me about how this is your first time flying, and you wonder what the food is like, and what the weather will be like when you land, and whether you will get a free miniature toothpaste and how does the TV screen work, and where you came from and how you can’t wait to see your great niece who is 16 months old. Hey lady – you’re scaring me, and I think I’ve seen you before.

Now I recall your face.... because I could never forget a svelte figure in a pretty red dress.

Evidently you don’t get out much if you’re 60 and have never flown before, the food is probably entirely unremarkable, the forecast hasn’t changed since 45 minutes ago when you excitedly checked it before boarding, they stopped doing free toothpaste in economy in the early 90’s, I’m not your personal AV technician and I know where you are from because we got on the same flight in the same city. Also I hate children and your niece is not a fucking miracle. I don’t want to hear about ANY of your extended family members because I don’t know them and they sound really damn boring. Also, thats why they invented journals and notebooks. Write all this shit down instead of bothering me with it. Do you think Anne Frank pissed off everyone else in the Annexe with her nonsense? NO! Because she had a DIARY, so get one yourself and STFU.

Love Chelle xoxoxooxoxox

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One thought on “How to not be a dick in a couple of situations you will eventually encounter.

  1. Pingback: Aotearoa, Part 1: “The Call of the Pokies” « ChelleShockk

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