Darren’s Story

Gumtree bogans strike again!!! Fuck!!!

The shop should be called "Dirty Darren's Hive of Illiteracy and Illegality"

Just in case you couldn’t understand through the thick haze of kindergarten-level spelling and grammar, the advertiser is trying to tell us this: “Hi, my name is Darren. I was wondering if someone out there has a tattoo gun and ink that they are selling, or to give away for free, as I am starting up a shop.” So just to clarify, “Darren” is planning on opening a tattoo studio and wants a free/cheap “tattoo gun” to do so. Um, shouldn’t he already have several of those? If we are to assume that opening a tattoo studio is something that only genuine and experienced tattoo artists do? This is some frightening shit and you have to wonder what the reasoning behind Darrens business decision is.

oh, well that makes sense.

Let us try and work out Darren’s life story.

Darren grew up in a rough area and his mum was tough, but fair. Dad was someone he got to visit on weekends, he had a motorbike and taught Darren about Guns n Roses, ACDC and Metallica from a young age. Darren wanted to be just like dad. He started rebelling against his mum ca. age 11, and started stealing junk food and petty stuff from supermarkets, “just because he could”. At 13, Darren started smoking with his cool mates, and it was around this age that they used indian ink and razor blades to give themselves some pretty sweet Ford tattoos. Because they would rather push their Fords than drive Holdens, any day. Darren started experimenting with larger tattoos, and found that he really excelled at badass things like skulls and dragons.

All of Darrens mates reckon his oriental work is fully sick.

Darren was pretty popular for his awesome tatts and it wasn’t long before he got his first girlfriend Shona, and lost his virginity. Darren and Shona were so in love, they got engaged at 17 and they went to Bali with their mates for their wedding. It was awesome because it was really cheap, and everybody did tons of shopping for things like DVDs, sarongs, sunglasses and watches. They all got matching southern cross tattoos and the girls all got dragons done on their boobs. When they got home, they furnished their first house with some cool wooden statues from Bali, a framed Metallica poster, and some Buddha ornaments. They also had a spare room where Shona kept her crystals and tarot cards, because she was a real clairvoyant.

Shona's spirituality was Darren's favourite thing about her.

Life was going really well, until a few months later……….                                                                                        Darren was sitting on the verandah in his favourite Bintang singlet with a Jim Beam when suddenly, he got a phone call from Shona’s best mate Jackie. Shona had died in a tragic accident at the speedway where the car had crashed into the crowd. Darren was gutted, and did a really nice tribute tattoo for Shona on his arm.

"In Nuce" actually means "in a nutshell", but Darren and his mates still don't realise the error.

Shona’s death brought about a change in Darren. He decided to sell his electric guitar and take a “small business” course by correspondence. The certificate looked great on his wall, and he resolved to open a tattoo studio. But he had only ever used a razor or sharpened guitar string to do tattoos. How was he going to open a business with such limited supplies? He rang all his mates, and they rang all their mates, asking if anyone had a tattoo gun that Darren could borrow until he had enough money from the shop to buy his own. Nobody had one. Then, the business man in Darren took over and he used his business course skills to help him get one! He knew that all of his family and friends used Gumtree, so he posted a really professional ad to try and get his start-up supplies. And as you read this, Darren’s quest for a tattoo gun continues………..

Hope you enjoyed! Love Chelle xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox

4 thoughts on “Darren’s Story

  1. Pingback: Aotearoa Part 4: “A Punch Up at a Wedding” « ChelleShockk

  2. Pingback: GUMTREE BOGANS STRIKE AGAIN, Vol. II « ChelleShockk

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