Where Christmas gets its shit wrecked – by me

Its October 27 today. A lady at work very originally pointed out that “Christmas is just around the corner”. Well no, actually, it’s not. The lunch deli is just around the corner. Silly lady. This made me upset at the thought of Christmas.

Nope, no Christmas here.

Ill say this for sure: CHRISTMAS IS FOR THE KIDS. Just like Easter. How exciting was it knowing you were getting a shitload of awesome presents and 6 weeks off school? Right on. How much does it suck as an adult, knowing you only get maybe 3-5 days off work (and not even in a row) – and not only that, its now YOU who has to buy all the exciting presents, and probably do all the cooking that day? Also, adults get way less presents. Just saying. Maybe part of the fact that its not exciting anymore present-wise, is that as an adult, you can afford to buy the things you want, instead of having to wait for your birthday or Christmas. Sure, its great if you are really into jewellery and are one of those sorts of people who get excited when your boyfriend buys you a mass-produced Pandora charm or boring Tiffany bracelet, but I’m definitely not. My boyfriend Chris would get a giant kick in the nuts if he bought me anything like that, and thats probably half the reason he likes me. In fact, I’m not really too excited about getting any kind of present nowadays because I’m fairly hard to buy for. If I want a book Ill already have bought and read it. If I like a movie, I will already have “purchased” it online and have it stored in the PS3. I’m fat, so buying me clothes is stupid because most likely I’ll not fit that “oh, they’re massive, you’ll swim in them” size 12 pyjama set. Don’t buy me art stuff; you will get the wrong products. My room is overflowing with my own junk already, please do not add to it by buying me a present of “pampering set with loofah” or “bobble-head toy” just because its Christmas and you feel you have to get me a gift.

"Not another damn Target bath and loofah set!"

I decided that this year I would ask for family not to get me anything but instead make a donation to Cancer WA or the Murdoch Hospice to the value of my gift, and it was assumed that I was saying it just to get out of buying gifts for other people. For fucks sake! Don’t worry family, I will still be buying shit for you, I just don’t want or need anything back. I have been offered vouchers, booze and ciggies for Christmas. I like the idea of a few packets of ciggies carefully wrapped with bows under a wholesome looking Ikea catalogue Christmas tree. haha. Although I did point out that I barely smoke anymore, only if Im having a few drinks.

Anyway, gift issues aside, the other worst thing about Christmas is the retarded general public. How shithouse is it that when people know a supermarket will be shut on a public holiday, they all flood the supermarket the day before, in frantic desperation “oh no, better stock up on bottled water/batteries/rations” as if a hurricane is going to hit. Come on people, the calendar never changes. Just look at the dates, and make sure you get all the necessary shit on your regular shopping day, like you would any other week of the fricking year. The aforementioned people remind me of idiotic sheep. They all go shopping at the same time and walk 5 abreast in the malls, ambling slowly and eating their ice creams whilst using chips and sugary junk to shut their kids up, instead of disciplining them properly or getting a babysitter for 2 hours. They let their children run around getting in the way people who just want to buy their shit and leave (“Oh sorry, excuse me – I choose to remain childless because I don’t want children around me NOW TELL YOUR KIDS TO FUCK OFF AND LET ME SHOP IN PEACE OR I WILL KICK THEIR STUPID LITTLE FACES” ). For this and many other reasons, I use the internet for my shopping unless I absolutely cannot find my item online.

Back to Christmas. Thank Raptor Jesus that I no longer work in customer service, but for the people who do, Christmas sucks. When Christmas is near, people get stressed, and money gets tight. Especially for the Queensland bogans with too many kids (stop breeding please) and too few budgeting skills. So these people are the ones that take it out on the poor folk that work at the banks/gas and power companies/telecommunications companies, and give the sob story of having to buy their kids Christmas presents, and then get angry and yell at you when they have to pay late fees or have their services suspended for non-payment. AGAIN: THE CALENDAR NEVER CHANGES. If you know money will be tight, buy the presents earlier on in the year, dumbass. But don’t be one of those smug assholes that boast about having done all their Christmas shopping in July. Personally, I prefer not to do this for the simple reason that if you’re buying the gift in July, that gives the person 5 extra months to realise they want it, and buy it themselves – and so everyone feels awkward when you give them a present they already have.

Yes you are, because you did your Christmas shopping early - and bragged about it.

And another thing, Christmas leads directly into New Years – the most overrated thing ever, until Avatar. More of those ignorant people who actually enjoy waiting in line for an hour to get into a mediocre club, whilst sobering up and watching other girls walk past in the same dress as you (because you all got it 5 days earlier when you all went to the Boxing Day sales). When you finally get into the club, they’re playing shit songs like “I wanna be a billionaire” that cater to the lowest common denominator, you have to wait 30 minutes to get a  drink, and then you lose your friends and spend the rest of the night chain smoking and trying to be invisible. I never go clubbing on New Years, yet all my friends seem to. I usually stay at home by myself and although this makes me look like a Nigel, I don’t care! Because I have more fun “keepin it real”.  And this is a bunch of reasons why I don’t like this time of year, most of my friends love it for the exact same reasons and think I’m a grouchy bitch but so what, I have a blog and they don’t, so HAH.

So now that my rant is over, here’s some happy news: I emailed the awesome Holdfast Tattoo crew and applied for the 2011 apprentice position. Fingers crossed – Im not too expectant as they are the BEST and so there will be like a thousand proper artists applying, but I gotta be in to win, and maybe, just maybe, they will remember me in a couple of years when I show them a better portfolio than now. I also heard that Cherry Bomb is lookign for an apprentice, so I facebooked them to see if they had already filled it but got no reply, so I’ll phone tomorrow. On a finishing note, below is the Julius Caesar bust I did the other day in class. My lecturer calls the statue Julius Presley as he has Elvis lips.

Have a glorious halloween everyone!   Love Chelle xoxoxo

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